Shame On You, Ann Marie

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Amy -- I've been getting a ton of questions about the George Clooney contest -- what are the odds? Will you pick my mom? Can staff win? (For the last time, the answer's no.) Honestly, I really don't care who wins unless you're talking about Election Day. But if you're counting the hours to when the winners are picked, I won't judge -- and congrats if you're one of them. What I'm counting is how many people step up between now and our midnight FEC deadline. These next few hours are a major test of our organization. Will you donate $6 or whatever you can to support President Obama before midnight tonight? By clicking here, your saved credit card will be charged immediately: QUICK DONATE: $6      -- QUICK DONATE: $35      -- QUICK DONATE: $50      -- QUICK DONATE: $100      -- QUICK DONATE: $250 Or donate another amount. The way I see it, this contest is really about more people owning a piece of this campaign. (And, yes, any donation you make today also happens to automatically enter you for a chance to meet President Obama and George Clooney on May 10th in L.A.) Just a few hours left: https://donate.barackobama.com/Midnight-Deadline Thanks for stepping up, Ann Marie Ann Marie Habershaw Chief Operating Officer Obama for America Dear Ann Marie,  Congrats! Congrats?! That was just mean.  Thanks for getting my hopes up, Amy  Related posts:  Hey Mister, Can You Spare a Dime? You Could Meet Clooney

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There's a Theme Today...(Sex)

As long as we're talking sex here today, you should watch this because these old ladies are adorable.

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Fifty Shades of Stupid (NSFW)

The top three fiction titles in America are Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Do Me Harder and Fifty Shades My Husband Bores Me in Bed.

In case you've been living in a cave without WiFi, this erotic trilogy is about a dominant/submissive relationship between a dumb, young woman and an older man who is turned on by being a domineering asshole. This woman, Ana, is a virgin until she meets Christian and then she basically becomes his "beck and call girl."

Entertainment Weekly says Fifty Shades of Grey "is in a class by itself." This is the sort of blurb that says nothing. I mean, you could use this for pretty much anything.

Hitler: "In a class by himself."
Snooki: "In a class by herself."
Ernest Goes to Jail: "In a class by itself."

Women across America are reading it because Americans read whatever the media tells them to read. Bloggers are writing about how "fun" the books are and how the books are helping them to finally give in to all the begging and have sex with their boring husbands. On weeknights, no less!

Another selling point for a lot of reviewers on Amazon.com is "I finished it in two days!" because everyone knows that books are better if completed in the shortest amount of time possible. Unlike sex.

Husbands, you should immediately run out and buy these books for your wives. But don't try any funny business without asking. Just because your wife is reading that book doesn't mean she's going to finally go for any butt stuff.

Apparently, none of these women ever heard of Penthouse Letters before. Guess what? With Penthouse Letters you can get straight to the sex and you don't have to suffer through 500 pages of crap writing.

An article on Jezebel.com stated that "the vast majority of fans fawn over the emotional relationship Anastasia and Christian have, not about the sex."

HA! I'm calling bull shit on that. Women are reading it for the sex. Are women seriously pretending they are reading it for the emotion?

Maybe people just need their soft porn to be socially approved and validated by excess amounts of publicity and - bonus - to have its origins as Twilight fan fiction.

That's right. These books began as a story called Master of the Universe and were based on the idea of Bella and Edward living in an alternate universe where vampires do not exist. You know, an alternate universe that is a lot like the actual universe.

America, you make me sad.

On a happy note, the books have inspired all sorts of hilariousness.

Just for you, I've gathered a few important links to get you familiar with this literary phenomenon:

Go here for a brief synopsis: http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012/apr/29/fifty-shades-grey-digested-read

Go here for excerpts from the book. The commentary below each excerpt is the best part: http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/
Here's an example:


No fisting, you say. Anything else you object to?” he asks softly.
I swallow.
“Anal intercourse doesn’t exactly float my boat.”
“I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we’ll wait for that. Besides, it’s not something we can dive into,” he smirks at me. “Your ass will need training.”
“Training?” I whisper.
“Oh yes. It’ll need careful preparation.
Fifty Shades of Grey, p. 186.
just some normal talk with my normal boyfriend. the ole’ ball and chain as they say! talking about fisting and claiming people’s assholes. normal couple stuff.
NOTES: 174 4/24/12 — 7:49pm SHORT URL: http://tmblr.co/ZdmAhvKGCKE4
FILED UNDER: #50shadesofgrey  #50shadesofsuck


Don't read this tumblr at work. You will die laughing.

Go HERE for the best Amazon.com review of the book.

Here's Ellen reading the book for the audio version:

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The George Clooney of Astrophysics

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Friday's Random Thoughts

Ear Worm
If you spend more than 30 minutes in my house, you will likely hear someone randomly bust out the following song:

Watch This
Yesterday, my brother Tim texted and then followed up with a phone call so he could tell me to watch the trailer for Ted. It was probably the best thing I did yesterday (other than watch the live episode of 30 Rock - BANJO!).

NOLA Dreamin'
This week, like a good unemployed girl, I applied for three jobs. Two of them are in Birmingham. One of them is in New Orleans. I'll be honest. New Orleans has now replaced George Clooney in my very rich fantasy life. I think we could be very happy together.

Speaking of George and people who live in New Orleans, here's something random I found online:

The Nerds Gather at Midnight

Jacob is trying to convince me that we should see the midnight premiere of The Avengers next week and wear our Avengers T-shirts that we bought at Old Navy.

That boy knows I can't resist a chance to nerd out with him. But I also know that I can barely stay up to see a 10 PM showing of a movie.

Random question: Why does the Hulk always have to look so stupid in these movies? What was wrong with having a Hulk who looks somewhat realistic? Yes, yes, turning green and roidy when you're angry isn't realistic in the first place, but whatever. I don't think he has to be 15 feet tall, for Pete's sake. He's not the Jolly Green Giant.

Also, Scarlett Johansson gets on my nerves. I can't really pinpoint why.


Things That Are Natural (and things that are not)
Today, I chaperoned a field trip to the zoo for Kate's school. Chaperoning middle school girls is like herding cats. We had a great time, although there was an awkward moment at the elephant exhibit when the girls spotted the male elephant.

One of the girls yelled: "Put some pants on that thing!"

While on this field trip, I made this random observation:

None of the 6th grade girls on the field trip had bright blonde hair, yet 95 percent of the mothers did.

Random Cursing
A friend sent me a link to a blog post titled "Cursing: An Editorial Style Guide."  It's fantastic. My friend also wrote, "You're a great cusser." And it's true. I really am. And I'm always looking for new ways to throw a bad word into the conversation.

Just the other day, Jacob and I were watching a rerun of The Simpsons in which the Reverend Lovejoy said something to his wife that is worth remembering for later use.

Jacob said, "I've got to remember that. I wish I wasn't too young to curse."

First of all, isn't it adorable that he believes me when I tell him he can't use curse words? And secondly, isn't it adorable that I believe he doesn't ever use curse words?

Anyway, we have both tucked away for future use this phrase that Rev. Lovejoy said to his wife, Helen, when she said, "Yes, to argue you have to actually talk to each other.":

"Way to bitch up the conversation, Helen."


Happy Friday!

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Punemployment

Since I've expanded my job search beyond the Birmingham area, this week I'm applying for jobs in Dallas, Austin and New Orleans.

Today, Jacob said, "You should apply for a job in Australia and tell them this..."

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This Is How It's Done

I don't have any secrets for getting through the loss of a loved one to suicide. I wish I did. I only know that you don't get through it and dock successfully on the other side of a stormy lake to find blue skies and calm waters.

You must live with it. I'm only just now figuring that out.

But here's one thing I do know. You can live with it with grace and kindness.

This is a post my mother wrote on Charles's page about two weeks ago.

We could choose anger.
We could choose to become pawns in a devil's game of blame and resentment, a game no one can win.

Or we can choose to remember the lovely moments. We can choose joy and light.

While I'm busy learning lessons about things that don't end, about things that stay with you forever, I'm also busy learning this:

The thing that makes the loss of someone bearable is the fact that you can still love that person, that love doesn't end either.

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I Want To Go To There

Kansas City Public Library...

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Uh, Say What Now?

Search terms for today... 

sad cat

19

moodswings

18

vodka cranberry

8

sad kitten

7

snoop dogg gif

7

mood swings

5

community cast

3

george clooney "murder she wrote"

2

i got fucked by chuck norris

2

kay jewelers open heart

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