Live Blogging the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

Secret #1: I do not understand the point of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

Because, come on, the point is most definitely NOT fashion.

Angels. ha. If I believed in hell, we'd all be going there.

Oh, look, it's a circus theme. I'll just borrow my own joke from when Britney Spears released her perfume named Circus. Great idea. The circus smells like elephant poop. Dab a little circus behind your ears.

Three minutes in. I'm not sure I can do this for an hour.

I feel like these outfits are designed by extremely precocious 10-year-olds.

I'm not sure I can handle them trying to make Victoria's Secret commercials seem "epic."

The entire "fashion show" concept feels very much like something they'd have shown in the movie Idiocracy.

This Rihanna song about diamonds in the sky is on every station every minute of every day.

No? So it just feels like it is?

Commercial break: I can't wait to see This is 40.

Calendar girls?! I think they stole this idea from Grease 2.

I LOVE this Bruno Mars song. Unashamedly LOVE it. It's The Police-ness of it, it's just fabulous. Except the first time she heard it, Kate said to me, "Your WHAT takes me to paradise?"

Uh...

You know what this whole segment is? I just figured it out! Slutty Halloween costumes!
Slutty rain girl. Slutty May Pole. Slutty Bride. Slutty Betsy Ross. Seriously, Betsy was a ho.

AMERICA FUCK YEAH!

Slutty... Oh no, wait, that's just a girl in a bathing suit.

Slutty cheerleader.
Slutty witch.

Slutty Santa.

I must have looked away briefly when the slutty turkey came out. Was it a slutty turkey? Or a slutty pilgrim?

You know what's really delicious, America? That this thing takes place during the holiday season. It's a holiday tradition. I sincerely enjoy America's many contradictions. We're basically just a bunch of Puritans giggling at panties.

My apologies for using the word "panties."

I just realized the November girl must have been cut. It must have been the model who wore the Native American headdress and it was deemed offensive.

This is offensive but none of the rest of it is?

OK, America. Sure.

So, here's a serious question: Who is the target audience for this show? Is Justin Beiber supposed to be bringing the young girls to the audience? Because that makes me sad. Let's allow these girls to get to at least 18 before they start harshly judging their own bodies for not being cellulite-free and magically free of any extra flesh whatsoever.

I kind of want that crazy sequined pinwheel jacket. Don't ask why.

Justin Beiber's pants are really crotchy! What's with all the crotch, man?

Well, this girl in the animal print outfit has an EXCESSIVE amount of clothing on. How did that happen?

The outfit that's only a dress on the front - all exposed nonsense on the back? That's excellent. Someone should wear that to church.

Promo: Rihanna like you've never seen her before? Uh, hate to break it to you, announcer-dude, but we've all seen her naked.

Am I alone in thinking that Victoria's Secret has the worst bras? Once you invest in a good bra at a proper lingerie store, it's hard to go back to the lacy silliness at Victoria's Secret.

I'm a princess.

Now the "angels" are discussing dating and the sorts of men they like. I'm really glad my daughter is not watching this. When women discuss dating and mention the word "princess," I kind of want to gag.

Speaking of princesses who gag (yes, that's my segue), I'm sure you've heard that Kate Middletown has extremely severe morning sickness. I didn't have to be hospitalized, but I had it so bad that I lost 10 pounds at the beginning of each pregnancy. Puke. All day, all night.

So, in case you're interested, I can tell you the two WORST things to throw up.

Are you interested? I'm going to tell you anyway.

An apple with a peel. Ouch.

Spaghetti.

Oh GOD, spaghetti is the WORST.

Much as with corn, spaghetti makes you realize that you don't really chew your food up as much as you think you do.

OK, sorry, gross. But puking seems like an appropriate topic. I'm certain some of these girls do some puking.

Bulimia is so '87, Heather.

Why does Rihanna have a sweater tied around her waist? I mean, I don't blame her. I'd have a down comforter tied around me if I had to be on stage with these ladies.

Justin Beiber's presence here makes me uncomfortable.

Do you think it's necessary to have that many people backstage? I doubt it.

It's like a party at the Playboy Mansion on that stage.

That's an hour of my life I can't get back.

Boobs, boobs, boobs.

Oh, wait, those were bloopers.