Come over to www.vodkacranberryclooney.com for all the usual snark and wisdom (and some liveblogging of The Bachelor).
Monday, 25 February 2013
Saturday, 23 February 2013
If you're feeling down or feeling lonely or feeling bored, if the house is a little too quiet, simply take a trip down the rabbit hole.
“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat. "We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."
"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Something About France
Elmo Needs a Lemonade
Bloopers
The Most Astounding Fact
Something Lovely
A Life Defined Not By Disability, But Love
Kristin Bell Gets a Birthday Present
Dennis Quaid is Here!
Tragedy is Comedy
Go listen to Tig Notaro.
A Lovely Interview
Go listen to Maurice Sendak.
Read Something by Ray Bradbury
"All Summer In A Day"
"Ready?”
"Now?"
"Soon."
"Do the scientists really know? Will it happen today, will it?"
"Look, look; see for yourself!"
The children pressed to each other like so many roses, so many weeds, intermixed, peering out for a look at the hidden sun.
It rained.
It had been raining for seven years; thousands upon thousands of days compounded and filled from one end to the other with rain, with the drum and gush of water, with the sweet crystal fall of showers and the concussion of storms so heavy they were tidal waves come over the islands. A thousand forests had been crushed under the rain and grown up a thousand times to be crushed again. And this was the way life was forever on the planet Venus, and this was the schoolroom of the children of the rocket men and women who had come to a raining world to set up civilization and live out their lives. MORE...
Listen to Something by Garfunkle and Oates
Listen to Something by Tim Minchin
"I know that one less vodka cranberry tonight
and I could feed some foreign family for a fortnight
But I might just have one more.
After all what is vodka for
apart of making you wanna shag you're best mate's wife.
Dampening the guilt you feel about your perfect life."
Watch Michael Fassbender Be Kind of Creepy on the Subway and Realize Good Looking Guys Get Way More Leeway When It Comes to Being Kind of Creepy
Watch Matt Damon Do Funny Stuff
Watch a Short Movie About Being John Stamos
Watch a Julia Sugarbaker Rant
Watch George Clooney Being George Clooney
Watch This Wonderful Piece on Cary Grant
Learn Some Dance Moves
Friday, 22 February 2013
 |
| Happy birthday, Edward Gorey |
Yesterday I read that Bill O'Reilly has a deal for yet another book in his "killing history and literature" series. This time he's going to write a book titled Killing Jesus. This will follow his inexplicably successful books Killing Lincoln and Killing Kennedy.
I would like to volunteer to write Killing Bill O'Reilly. I seriously have never seen a face more smug and asking to be punched. Ever.
I think it's a good time to watch this:
America, you get the books you deserve.
Somebody Needs a Break
In other book news, I sent out my last book proposal this week. Maybe not forever, but definitely for the immediate future. Maybe for this entire year.
I've been thinking a lot about the idea of giving up versus the idea of moving on. When I printed out the proposal and put it into its black folder, I felt relieved. I think it's a good book and I think it's worthwhile, but I'm pretty sick of my need for validation. I keep thinking, "Yes, a very bad thing happened, but I am so much more than this very bad thing."
And I don't need to be validated, dammit.
The purpose of the book, for me, was to tell a story that has not been told because I was unable to find the book I needed, the one by a person who witnessed a suicide and lived to tell the tale. The purpose was to illustrate that you can witness something horrific, you can lose someone important in a second of violence, you can blame yourself and him and cry in the dark, and then you can figure out how to love yourself and him and you can keep seeking the light. You can survive. Not just survive. You can thrive.
Even on the most difficult days you can play some Luda and cuss in the car, or you can watch George Clooney movies and imagine just how much he'd laugh at all your jokes, or you can take a road trip with your amazing children and sing Mr. Blue Sky really loudly in the car because that's your tiny family's theme song.
That was the point. And the thing is I'm ready to live that point more fully. I'm ready to slide this story onto a shelf and maybe have a new story.
It's OK for me to say, "Enough."
The Stupid, It Burns
In other news, someone in Alabama said something stupid. Again. This week it was Alabama GOP lawmaker Mary Sue McClurkin, whose grasp of science is like my grasp on math: Nonexistent and worthy of tears. McClurkin is pushing legislation that would place restrictions on abortion clinics. In her argument, she said that when a doctor performs an abortion he or she removes the "largest organ in a body...You don't have any other organs in your body that are bigger than that."
What in the fuckety fuck is this woman talking about?
(Your skin is actually the body's largest organ, but whatever. Why bother yourself with facts?)
I find it rather delightful that Mary Sue's little argument actually undermines the "personhood" bull shit that GOP lawmakers keep trying to push on us. Organs are removed from the body every day and nobody is shrieking about their eternal souls. For instance, right now, my gall bladder is likely burning in hell next to Hitler's spleen. Poor gall bladder.
I have an idea that would make this whole thing much easier. How about people mind their own damn business? How about if you don't agree with abortion then YOU don't have one? (The funny thing that is not actually funny is that many people who claim to be against them have abortions because "the only moral abortion is my abortion." )
I have this thing about people who are concerned with the immortal souls of other people: Calm the fuck down. If the heaven you believe in is so great, then you won't care that your atheist son or your agnostic daughter or your Jewish best friend isn't there. If you do care and it tears you up inside your angel costume, then it's not all that heavenly, is it?
See You in Hell
Recently a woman wrote an essay on CNN.com about how she is raising her children without religion. It got some attention and people commented that this woman was the reason this country is going to hell.
The only thing unusual about this person is that she wrote an essay on the Internet. There are PLENTY of people raising their children without religion. I am one of them.
Sometimes I wonder if people actually believe I'm a bad person for doing so. I tell my children, when it comes up, that they are certainly free to do and believe what they want. If they'd like to go to church, they can. I will help them make that happen. If they want to pray, they can. If they want to question the world and its many and varied belief systems, do it, I say. We make jokes about the Flying Spaghetti Monster and His Noodly Appendage. We discuss the universe and its incomprehensible breadth. I do not tell them what to believe. I do not intentionally lie to them about what I believe or don't believe. I do not pretend that I know the answers to questions when I don't.
When each of them in turn, around 5 or 6 years old, asked me if Santa Claus was real, I said, "What do you think?" Because I am raising them to think. And each of them said, "I think...no." And I said, "But it's fun to pretend, isn't it?"
I am not raising children. I am raising adults. There is a vast difference.
The three of us are good people, with or without a religion that you deem to be valid or invalid based on your own upbringing. I don't choose to love people or forgive them or offer them kindness because some book tells me to or so I can get my heavenly reward. I do it because it feels better than being a hateful jerk. I do it because this world is a better place with love and forgiveness and kindness.
No day goes by without my children telling me at least once that they love me. Not a day passes when they don't demonstrate their capacity for compassion and kindness.
When my children and I need comfort about the loss of someone we loved, I don't tell them, "You'll see him again one day" and I don't give them some story about "mysterious ways" because that does not comfort someone here and now. (And there is nothing mysterious about why an addict dies. It's not a mystery. The reason things happen resides in the past and a lot of us would do well to look at our pasts and try to learn from them.)
I tell them, "You have so many wonderful memories. Hey, remember that time your dad let you stay home from school for no reason? Remember that time dad did a dance to Ice Ice Baby in front of your friends?" I say, when the moment is right, "You did that just like your dad. You are so good at math, just like your dad. Your eyes are just like your dad's."
Because they are here and they are now and that is what matters to me.
Because the love you feel for someone is always with you and you can feel it whenever you want. That is what matters.
If someone thinks I am the reason this country is going to hell, so be it. But since I don't believe in hell, it seems like a whole lot of fuss over nothing.
A Date with My Pretend Boyfriend
The Academy Awards are Sunday and I am super excited about it because my social life is pathetic. I like to see who gives the best speech, who creates the most secondhand embarrassment, and how many women wear dresses that make me think about their boobs.
Awards shows are all about making people think about boobs.
Are her boobs going to stay in that dress?
Is her boob about to pop out?
Why won't this boob wrap up his boring speech and move along?
My pretend boyfriend George will be there in all his tuxedo-ed glory since he is one of the producers of Argo, so I'll end today's post with some photos of George doing awards shows right.
Happy Friday, my friends.
 |
| She's lovely, but there's just something not right about this. |
 |
| There. That's better. |
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
I didn't watch The Bachelor last night when it aired, because three evening hours in one week is simply too much to devote to Sean, the world's most boring bachelor.
Except that, Sean honey, you are not a virgin. Born-again virginity is not a real thing. Christians, please stop trying to make that a thing.
So this is your early-morning recap because I woke up at 5 am for no good reason. I think it's because I have a lot to do in a short amount of time because I am the world's most proficient procrastinator.
OK, here goes. Tonight's very special (drink) edition of The Bachelor: Sean Tells All.
Chris Harrison has to do a lot more work than usual this episode. He's really earning that paycheck.
These bachelor/bachelorettes always say they have developed strong feelings for the final three. Always. It must be in the contract. I have never had strong feelings for three people at once. Or even two people at once. I've had strong feelings for one person at once. I just don't have the stamina for more than that.
Sean is telling "all" about Desiree's brother confronting him on the show. I don't think the brother did anything that bad. Hello, Sean, you are on a TV SHOW WHERE YOU DATE 20 PLUS WOMEN AT ONCE. I'm pretty sure my brother would question your sincerity, too.
Sean is the furthest thing from a playboy, he says. And we know that since he'sa born-again virgin celibate.
Ohhh, they edited out the part where the brother said Sean seems like a nice dude. Did he drink some crazy for dinner?
"What do you think precipitated that turn?" Chris asks. "Was it our producers pulling the brother aside and encouraging him to go off on you? That was it, wasn't it? Yep. This show is crap. Where's my paycheck? Are we done yet? I've worked ten minutes."
When Desiree got kicked off, she told Sean she thought she could make him happy. She cried in the limo about how she just wants to make someone happy.
Let's discuss this phrasing. It is extremely important to find someone you can be happy with. However, you can not make someone else happy. You can not be responsible for another person's happiness. This is old lady talk. At 24, you think you can make someone happy. By 40, you (hopefully) know better.
Make yourself happy. You can be incredibly awesome and loving and amazing and still not make someone else happy. So don't put that on yourself. Find someone who knows how to be happy on his own.
OK, Sean is about to tell all about the one-armed girl who I have finally learned is named Sarah. On Sean's first one-on-one with Sarah, he took her on this crazy zipline sort of ride down the side of a building, so she could possibly lose another limb.
While this show is on, Tweets about the show are flashing on the bottom of the screen and they are proof that humanity is doomed. #IhateTwitter
Sean says he sent Sarah home because when he kissed her there was no passion.
Sarah getting kicked off the show was the one time I felt an emotion about this show other than disdain. Poor Sarah.
Now we're on to Selma, who was raised Muslim and wouldn't kiss Sean. "To hear I couldn't kiss her on the lips was shocking, to say the least," he says.
So instead they did some Eskimo kissing and butterfly kisses. I just threw up. I haven't been this nauseated in the morning since my pregnancies.
I bet the born-again virgin does a lot of creative stuff since he doesn't put the p in the v anymore.
Sean says he would have kept Lesley if she could have relaxed and said she loved him. Yes, ladies, RELAX and tell that guy you've been on one date with that you love him. Men love that.
Bachelor rules are totally applicable to real life.
OK, we're 30 minutes in and I'm questioning my life choices. But I do that every morning.
Commercial break.
And we're back with the "very special edition." That word has lost all meaning.
It's time to talk about Tierra, the most insane person to ever be on The Bachelor. Except for this woman from a previous season:
Now we get to relive Tierra's fight with AshLee about how both of them have stupid first names.
Sean says he feels like he was duped by Tierra. She was not "suited" for this show and couldn't handle herself in this environment.
Chris addresses the fact that people think Tierra was a plant, the producers made him keep Tierra, etc. Yes, Chris, everyone does think that.
Sean said he felt like the women were focusing too much on Tierra and "not on me."
Focus on the man, ladies. Never turn away. Look at Chris Harrison, now back at me. Now look at Chris. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse.
Showing all the women sniping at Tierra and her back at them is just...no...not for me. I hate this sort of "entertainment."
Kate says this kind of thing sounds like this:
"Mememememememe."
"No, you're a memememememememe."
Kate doesn't watch The Bachelor. She does watch Pretty Little Liars and I constantly interrupt to say, "Now, you know that behavior is wrong, don't you?" And she says, "Yes, Mom, I know I shouldn't stalk my friends or set houses on fire."
Just making sure.
Back from commercial: Ashley P. is the one who introduced herself to Sean by pulling out a gray tie, a reference to the WORST BOOK EVER WRITTEN, Fifty Shades of Grey.
It's been awhile since this book has come up, so I'm just going to reiterate that I hate everyone who thinks that book is good. I guess Ashley wanted to entice Sean into a little S&M and fisting. Little did she know that Jesus is totally against fisting. (Confession: I honestly don't know what that is. I mean, I think I know, but my mind rejects any further thought on the logistics of it, so let's move on.)
Ashley didn't make it long on the show because she told Sean about a million times that her mom was in love with him. Yeah, that's weird.
"I have really started to fall for all three women," Sean says of the final three. "I have no idea who I'm going to send home."
Viewers have a certain expectation of what takes place in the fantasy suite, Chris says about the next episode, which will take place in Thailand.
Sean says it's a great opportunity to be alone with the women, blah, blah, blah.
Chris is pushing for some sex talk. "The expectation... is this is a chance to spend the night doing whatever you want, a chance to be physical. What do you say to that?"
Sean says, "It's really none of your business."
Yep. Fisting. That's what I thought.
We only have two episodes left! Then I will have my Mondays free again to do something productive like question my life choices.
Um, the show ends with a gratuitous shower scene showing Sean and featuring porn-movie music.
It's like Cinemax After Dark all of a sudden.
Sidenote: You know me, I FULLY support marriage equality. But I cannot get on board with this unholy pairing of the bowling ball and the mop in the Swiffer commercial. That's just wrong.
Happy Wednesday, my friends!
Except that, Sean honey, you are not a virgin. Born-again virginity is not a real thing. Christians, please stop trying to make that a thing.
So this is your early-morning recap because I woke up at 5 am for no good reason. I think it's because I have a lot to do in a short amount of time because I am the world's most proficient procrastinator.
OK, here goes. Tonight's very special (drink) edition of The Bachelor: Sean Tells All.
Chris Harrison has to do a lot more work than usual this episode. He's really earning that paycheck.
These bachelor/bachelorettes always say they have developed strong feelings for the final three. Always. It must be in the contract. I have never had strong feelings for three people at once. Or even two people at once. I've had strong feelings for one person at once. I just don't have the stamina for more than that.
Sean is telling "all" about Desiree's brother confronting him on the show. I don't think the brother did anything that bad. Hello, Sean, you are on a TV SHOW WHERE YOU DATE 20 PLUS WOMEN AT ONCE. I'm pretty sure my brother would question your sincerity, too.
Sean is the furthest thing from a playboy, he says. And we know that since he's
Ohhh, they edited out the part where the brother said Sean seems like a nice dude. Did he drink some crazy for dinner?
"What do you think precipitated that turn?" Chris asks. "Was it our producers pulling the brother aside and encouraging him to go off on you? That was it, wasn't it? Yep. This show is crap. Where's my paycheck? Are we done yet? I've worked ten minutes."
When Desiree got kicked off, she told Sean she thought she could make him happy. She cried in the limo about how she just wants to make someone happy.
Let's discuss this phrasing. It is extremely important to find someone you can be happy with. However, you can not make someone else happy. You can not be responsible for another person's happiness. This is old lady talk. At 24, you think you can make someone happy. By 40, you (hopefully) know better.
Make yourself happy. You can be incredibly awesome and loving and amazing and still not make someone else happy. So don't put that on yourself. Find someone who knows how to be happy on his own.
OK, Sean is about to tell all about the one-armed girl who I have finally learned is named Sarah. On Sean's first one-on-one with Sarah, he took her on this crazy zipline sort of ride down the side of a building, so she could possibly lose another limb.
While this show is on, Tweets about the show are flashing on the bottom of the screen and they are proof that humanity is doomed. #IhateTwitter
Sean says he sent Sarah home because when he kissed her there was no passion.
Sarah getting kicked off the show was the one time I felt an emotion about this show other than disdain. Poor Sarah.
Now we're on to Selma, who was raised Muslim and wouldn't kiss Sean. "To hear I couldn't kiss her on the lips was shocking, to say the least," he says.
So instead they did some Eskimo kissing and butterfly kisses. I just threw up. I haven't been this nauseated in the morning since my pregnancies.
I bet the born-again virgin does a lot of creative stuff since he doesn't put the p in the v anymore.
Sean says he would have kept Lesley if she could have relaxed and said she loved him. Yes, ladies, RELAX and tell that guy you've been on one date with that you love him. Men love that.
Bachelor rules are totally applicable to real life.
OK, we're 30 minutes in and I'm questioning my life choices. But I do that every morning.
Commercial break.
And we're back with the "very special edition." That word has lost all meaning.
It's time to talk about Tierra, the most insane person to ever be on The Bachelor. Except for this woman from a previous season:
Now we get to relive Tierra's fight with AshLee about how both of them have stupid first names.
Sean says he feels like he was duped by Tierra. She was not "suited" for this show and couldn't handle herself in this environment.
Chris addresses the fact that people think Tierra was a plant, the producers made him keep Tierra, etc. Yes, Chris, everyone does think that.
Sean said he felt like the women were focusing too much on Tierra and "not on me."
Focus on the man, ladies. Never turn away. Look at Chris Harrison, now back at me. Now look at Chris. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse.
Showing all the women sniping at Tierra and her back at them is just...no...not for me. I hate this sort of "entertainment."
Kate says this kind of thing sounds like this:
"Mememememememe."
"No, you're a memememememememe."
Kate doesn't watch The Bachelor. She does watch Pretty Little Liars and I constantly interrupt to say, "Now, you know that behavior is wrong, don't you?" And she says, "Yes, Mom, I know I shouldn't stalk my friends or set houses on fire."
Just making sure.
Back from commercial: Ashley P. is the one who introduced herself to Sean by pulling out a gray tie, a reference to the WORST BOOK EVER WRITTEN, Fifty Shades of Grey.
It's been awhile since this book has come up, so I'm just going to reiterate that I hate everyone who thinks that book is good. I guess Ashley wanted to entice Sean into a little S&M and fisting. Little did she know that Jesus is totally against fisting. (Confession: I honestly don't know what that is. I mean, I think I know, but my mind rejects any further thought on the logistics of it, so let's move on.)
Ashley didn't make it long on the show because she told Sean about a million times that her mom was in love with him. Yeah, that's weird.
"I have really started to fall for all three women," Sean says of the final three. "I have no idea who I'm going to send home."
Viewers have a certain expectation of what takes place in the fantasy suite, Chris says about the next episode, which will take place in Thailand.
Sean says it's a great opportunity to be alone with the women, blah, blah, blah.
Chris is pushing for some sex talk. "The expectation... is this is a chance to spend the night doing whatever you want, a chance to be physical. What do you say to that?"
Sean says, "It's really none of your business."
Yep. Fisting. That's what I thought.
We only have two episodes left! Then I will have my Mondays free again to do something productive like question my life choices.
Um, the show ends with a gratuitous shower scene showing Sean and featuring porn-movie music.
It's like Cinemax After Dark all of a sudden.
Sidenote: You know me, I FULLY support marriage equality. But I cannot get on board with this unholy pairing of the bowling ball and the mop in the Swiffer commercial. That's just wrong.
Happy Wednesday, my friends!
Monday, 18 February 2013
Note: I'm starting it 35 minutes in because I had to watch The Walking Dead first. Now I will begin what my friend Kim called my "ADD play by play" of The Bachelor.
It's time for the hometown dates.
Before we begin, I have to mention that while in the grocery store checkout line today I spotted a cover of US Weekly that read "The Virgin Bachelor." The cover blurb said something about the awkward "fantasy suite" dates with Sean.
The first hometown date is with AshLee in Houston. They're going to have a picnic because romance isn't romance if it's not a big cliche in a field.
AshLee's dog is named Bailey. It's probably spelled BayLee.
Sean thinks today will be very intense and emotional and other words he doesn't really know the meaning of.
AshLee has fallen "into love with" Sean. It's like falling into mud with someone but probably less fun.
And obviously less dirty since Sean is a virgin.
Wait, I just Googled US Weekly and it says he's a "born-again virgin."
Just watch these few seconds for my reaction.
No, that is not a thing. Seriously, people. Give it up.
The story says he had sex in college, but as a "religious Christian (he) no longer believes in premarital sex."
Well, that's convenient.
When people say they don't "believe" in something, it makes it sound like they think it doesn't exist. Like how I don't believe in fairies or leprechauns or journalists at Fox News.
You know what's always fascinated me? That story about how Muslims are rewarded with 72 virgins when they get to heaven.
First of all, there is no greater proof that this version of "heaven" was totally made up by a man.
And secondly, why would you want a bunch of virgins? Virgins don't know what the hell they're doing.
Also, once you run out of virgins, then what?
Dumb. So dumb.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure that 72 virgins in heaven thing isn't even in the Qur'an. Or it says something about 72 wives and a zillion servants.
Again, MADE UP BY MEN WHO ARE LAZY ASSES AND WANT TO BE SERVED.
OK, we're done with AshLee. FinaLee.
Now we're in Seattle with Catherine. They're at the fish market tossing fish around.
Catherine is pretty cute and seems less unstable than AshLee.
Catherine's sisters are surprised that she's serious about Sean. I guess she went on the show because it would be fun. That's definitely my idea of fun. Me competing with 24 other women for the attentions of a born-again virgin! So fun.
Catherine's sisters are talking to Sean and making Catherine sound like a bipolar slob.
Sean just called Catherine incredibly special. Drink whenever Sean says "special."
Let's go back to the virgin thing for a second. He's a religious Christian so premarital sex is wrong, but making out with a lot of women all on the same night is totally cool with Jesus? Is that the part that says, "Thou shalt love one another as I have loved you and ram your tongue down the throats of as many people as possible before sunrise."
OK, that's enough of Catherine.
Now we're off to Missouri to meet Lindsay's family.
Lindsay is falling in love with Sean, too. I think it must be because he's so boring and has such a great vocabulary.
The strong winds here are messing with my satellite dish. I hope I didn't miss Sean using the word "special." Take a drink just in case.
This army stuff is annoying me. It's so freaking lame. This is what soldiers are fighting for, your right to go on TV looking for a wife, dressing up in an Army outfit and doing sit-ups. Blech.
Lindsay's dad is a two-star general. His job is "making men," Sean says.
Lindsay says if her dad doesn't like Sean, it will be a dealbreaker.
Why is this show two hours long? An hour is more than reasonable.
Sean asks the two-star general for his blessing. "Excuse me, sir, if I choose your daughter out of the three women to propose to, do I have your blessing?"
The two-star general is giving Sean some dog tags. It's all very lovely and dumb. Lindsay tells Sean she's falling in love with him. He says, "Um...you're special." (I made that up. I wasn't even listening. Drink anyway.)
OK, that's enough Lindsay.
Now it's time for the hometown date with Desiree in Los Angeles.
Desiree plays a ridiculous, not at all funny prank on Sean to make him believe some guy has come over to tell her he's in love with her. Wow. Hardy had har. Practical jokes are hilarious. Booo.
The moms are always so nice and excited for their daughters. Whyyyy? This will not end well. Do these people never watch the show?
Desiree's brother is skeptical.
And there's a news report about a fire in downtown Birmingham and a minor explosion. Yikes. I'm missing the brother getting angry, dammit!
And we're back.
Desiree's brother is very "passionate" that this isn't going to work. He asks to speak to Sean alone. He says that Desiree is into Sean, but Sean is not into Desiree. Sean's face is so red. The awkwardness is killing me right now.
Sean is full of bull shit. The brother says, "You don't know who you're going to choose yet."
Sean says no, that decision has not "been laid on my heart yet."
I'll be back after I finish throwing up.
This very serious music is making me believe that this is very serious.
Sean topless in his closet. Sean's boobs are bigger than mine. For real.
It's time for Chris Harrision to do his five minutes of work this week. He's sitting down to talk to Sean about the hometown dates. Don't work too hard, Chris.
"Are all four women literally on the chopping block tonight?" Chris asks.
Yes, Chris. LITERALLY!
Watch your heads, ladies!
Sean isn't sure what he's going to do. It's time to stare at framed photos of the ladies and then, literally, chop someone's head off.
Random note: I watched The Walking Dead right before this and there was some uber-disgusting head chopping in this episode.
Rose #1: ---
Wait. Desiree wants to talk to Sean really quickly to let him know that she's sorry about how her brother behaved.
Back to Rose #1: AshLee happiLee accepts the rose.
Rose #2: Lindsay
Rose #3: -- Nope. No one's getting the third rose yet. Sean leaves the room.
IT'S THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER.
Or not. I mean, no one has literally lost their head yet. It's no Walking Dead.
Chris Harrison comes in to do 35 more seconds of work.
Geez, just give out the damn rose already.
Rose #3: Catherine.
Congratulations, Desiree's brother, you totally cockblocked your sister tonight.
Never mind, I'm kidding. Jesus cockblocked her first.
It's time to cry in the limo.
What? This shit is coming on again tomorrow night?!
Dammit. Ain't nobody got time for that.
It's time for the hometown dates.
The first hometown date is with AshLee in Houston. They're going to have a picnic because romance isn't romance if it's not a big cliche in a field.
AshLee's dog is named Bailey. It's probably spelled BayLee.
Sean thinks today will be very intense and emotional and other words he doesn't really know the meaning of.
AshLee has fallen "into love with" Sean. It's like falling into mud with someone but probably less fun.
And obviously less dirty since Sean is a virgin.
Wait, I just Googled US Weekly and it says he's a "born-again virgin."
Just watch these few seconds for my reaction.
No, that is not a thing. Seriously, people. Give it up.
The story says he had sex in college, but as a "religious Christian (he) no longer believes in premarital sex."
Well, that's convenient.
When people say they don't "believe" in something, it makes it sound like they think it doesn't exist. Like how I don't believe in fairies or leprechauns or journalists at Fox News.
You know what's always fascinated me? That story about how Muslims are rewarded with 72 virgins when they get to heaven.
First of all, there is no greater proof that this version of "heaven" was totally made up by a man.
And secondly, why would you want a bunch of virgins? Virgins don't know what the hell they're doing.
Also, once you run out of virgins, then what?
Dumb. So dumb.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure that 72 virgins in heaven thing isn't even in the Qur'an. Or it says something about 72 wives and a zillion servants.
Again, MADE UP BY MEN WHO ARE LAZY ASSES AND WANT TO BE SERVED.
OK, we're done with AshLee. FinaLee.
Now we're in Seattle with Catherine. They're at the fish market tossing fish around.
Catherine is pretty cute and seems less unstable than AshLee.
Catherine's sisters are surprised that she's serious about Sean. I guess she went on the show because it would be fun. That's definitely my idea of fun. Me competing with 24 other women for the attentions of a born-again virgin! So fun.
Catherine's sisters are talking to Sean and making Catherine sound like a bipolar slob.
Sean just called Catherine incredibly special. Drink whenever Sean says "special."
Let's go back to the virgin thing for a second. He's a religious Christian so premarital sex is wrong, but making out with a lot of women all on the same night is totally cool with Jesus? Is that the part that says, "Thou shalt love one another as I have loved you and ram your tongue down the throats of as many people as possible before sunrise."
OK, that's enough of Catherine.
Now we're off to Missouri to meet Lindsay's family.
Lindsay is falling in love with Sean, too. I think it must be because he's so boring and has such a great vocabulary.
The strong winds here are messing with my satellite dish. I hope I didn't miss Sean using the word "special." Take a drink just in case.
This army stuff is annoying me. It's so freaking lame. This is what soldiers are fighting for, your right to go on TV looking for a wife, dressing up in an Army outfit and doing sit-ups. Blech.
Lindsay's dad is a two-star general. His job is "making men," Sean says.
Lindsay says if her dad doesn't like Sean, it will be a dealbreaker.
Why is this show two hours long? An hour is more than reasonable.
Sean asks the two-star general for his blessing. "Excuse me, sir, if I choose your daughter out of the three women to propose to, do I have your blessing?"
The two-star general is giving Sean some dog tags. It's all very lovely and dumb. Lindsay tells Sean she's falling in love with him. He says, "Um...you're special." (I made that up. I wasn't even listening. Drink anyway.)
OK, that's enough Lindsay.
Now it's time for the hometown date with Desiree in Los Angeles.
Desiree plays a ridiculous, not at all funny prank on Sean to make him believe some guy has come over to tell her he's in love with her. Wow. Hardy had har. Practical jokes are hilarious. Booo.
The moms are always so nice and excited for their daughters. Whyyyy? This will not end well. Do these people never watch the show?
Desiree's brother is skeptical.
And there's a news report about a fire in downtown Birmingham and a minor explosion. Yikes. I'm missing the brother getting angry, dammit!
And we're back.
Desiree's brother is very "passionate" that this isn't going to work. He asks to speak to Sean alone. He says that Desiree is into Sean, but Sean is not into Desiree. Sean's face is so red. The awkwardness is killing me right now.
Sean is full of bull shit. The brother says, "You don't know who you're going to choose yet."
Sean says no, that decision has not "been laid on my heart yet."
I'll be back after I finish throwing up.
This very serious music is making me believe that this is very serious.
Sean topless in his closet. Sean's boobs are bigger than mine. For real.
It's time for Chris Harrision to do his five minutes of work this week. He's sitting down to talk to Sean about the hometown dates. Don't work too hard, Chris.
"Are all four women literally on the chopping block tonight?" Chris asks.
Yes, Chris. LITERALLY!
Watch your heads, ladies!
Sean isn't sure what he's going to do. It's time to stare at framed photos of the ladies and then, literally, chop someone's head off.
Random note: I watched The Walking Dead right before this and there was some uber-disgusting head chopping in this episode.
Rose #1: ---
Wait. Desiree wants to talk to Sean really quickly to let him know that she's sorry about how her brother behaved.
Back to Rose #1: AshLee happiLee accepts the rose.
Rose #2: Lindsay
Rose #3: -- Nope. No one's getting the third rose yet. Sean leaves the room.
IT'S THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER.
Or not. I mean, no one has literally lost their head yet. It's no Walking Dead.
Chris Harrison comes in to do 35 more seconds of work.
Geez, just give out the damn rose already.
Rose #3: Catherine.
Congratulations, Desiree's brother, you totally cockblocked your sister tonight.
Never mind, I'm kidding. Jesus cockblocked her first.
It's time to cry in the limo.
What? This shit is coming on again tomorrow night?!
Dammit. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
 |
| Is this Frank? Or Charles? |
I have a thing about Tony. I want him to come motivate me to make something happen with this damn book of mine. Alas, Tony only motivates rich folks. If I was rich, why the hell would I need motivation?
Hugh says that Tony helped him come up with names for the two sides of his personality. Frank is the shy side. Charles is the confident side.
It reminds me of that time Garth Brooks came out with an album by his alter ego Chris Gaines. Really? Chris Gaines sounds like the name of a high school algebra teacher. However, he looks like someone who takes himself WAY too seriously. Also, soul patch? Ew.
 |
| When you're so rich and famous, no one will say, "Man, this is the worst idea you've ever had. Seriously." |
Beyonce knows that your alter ego needs a good name like Sasha Fierce.
I think I'll call my shy side Cameron Frye.
My confident side will be Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago.
Friday, 15 February 2013
In FRT today, I first mentioned a story about Fox News that turned out not to be true. I took it out as soon as I realized.
Normally, I factcheck everything before I hit publish, but today I was in a hurry so I checked after.
I seriously hate when I do shit that I constantly criticize other people for doing. Like watching The Bachelor or eating at Chick-Fil-A or sleeping with Republicans. (I really only do one of these three things.)
Which brings me to this. Normally, I catch when things are snarky or satirical. I never read articles from The Onion and think they're true. I never read posts on Facebook and automatically believe that Morgan Freeman said whatever wise thing he's supposed to have said about a current news event. But today I read this story about Fox News and it sure seemed like something that would happen so I went with it.
Did I not immediately question it because it supported my worldview?
That's the problem with all of us, really. We want to believe things that make our opinions and feelings seem valid.
I like to have proof that the people I think are douchebags are actually douchebags. I like to have evidence that someone I called an asshat is, in fact, an asshat.
But I hate with a passion spreading false information.
So I'm seriously annoyed with myself right now.
I still think Fox News sucks, though.
But now I know I suck a little bit, too. Dammit!
Normally, I factcheck everything before I hit publish, but today I was in a hurry so I checked after.
I seriously hate when I do shit that I constantly criticize other people for doing. Like watching The Bachelor or eating at Chick-Fil-A or sleeping with Republicans. (I really only do one of these three things.)
Which brings me to this. Normally, I catch when things are snarky or satirical. I never read articles from The Onion and think they're true. I never read posts on Facebook and automatically believe that Morgan Freeman said whatever wise thing he's supposed to have said about a current news event. But today I read this story about Fox News and it sure seemed like something that would happen so I went with it.
Did I not immediately question it because it supported my worldview?
That's the problem with all of us, really. We want to believe things that make our opinions and feelings seem valid.
I like to have proof that the people I think are douchebags are actually douchebags. I like to have evidence that someone I called an asshat is, in fact, an asshat.
But I hate with a passion spreading false information.
So I'm seriously annoyed with myself right now.
I still think Fox News sucks, though.
But now I know I suck a little bit, too. Dammit!
(Updated to remove dumb thing about Fox News)
Inspired by Valentine's Day and all the phony baloney romance of the week, today's thoughts are brought to you based on Nicholas Sparks' successful formula of cliche, predictability, and hot bods in bikinis.
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #1: Oceanside scenery/bikinis
This week, some of the perfect people of the Internet called Kate Upton fat.
Kate Upton is the model on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. The fact that people still talk about this annual magazine when the Internet offers a bevy of half-naked and naked women for ogling everyday is surprising.
This is what Kate Upton looks like in a bikini.
Yes, it's like a bloat of hippopotami up in here.
What is wrong with people?
Obviously I'm not a man, but if I had the choice of snuggling up against this woman and being in bed with some no-flesh-having bag of hangers, I'd take Kate Upton.
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #2: Romantic stargazing
Forget stars! The sky is falling in Russia! Holy meteorite!
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #3: Someone dies.
This week's worst death was that of Marco Rubio while giving the Republican response to the SOTU. It was so painful that I couldn't even feel the schadenfreude. And I love to feel the schadenfreude!
The secondhand embarrassment made me cringe. The subsequent edit of all his dry mouth sounds into one long clip makes me want to cry.
I'm starting to wonder if the purpose of the Republican response to the SOTU is to kill someone's political momentum (i.e. Bobby Jindal).
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #4: Fornication of some kind (usually up against a wall or tree)
I read yet another story about the Boy Scouts this week and, while the Boy Scouts might change their stance on allowing "known or avowed homosexuals" in their organization, they probably will not be doing the same for agnostics or atheists.
If you're someone who lies about what you believe or what you question, you're still welcome!
Also, felony convictions are not an automatic bar to employment.
Fuck the Boy Scouts.
Again.
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #5: Some watered down/vanilla spirituality that doesn't actually stop the characters from doing whatever they want to do.
So, here's something that exists somewhere:
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #6: Someone ends up with his/her soul mate.
Inspired by Valentine's Day and all the phony baloney romance of the week, today's thoughts are brought to you based on Nicholas Sparks' successful formula of cliche, predictability, and hot bods in bikinis.
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #1: Oceanside scenery/bikinis
This week, some of the perfect people of the Internet called Kate Upton fat.
Kate Upton is the model on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. The fact that people still talk about this annual magazine when the Internet offers a bevy of half-naked and naked women for ogling everyday is surprising.
This is what Kate Upton looks like in a bikini.
What is wrong with people?
Obviously I'm not a man, but if I had the choice of snuggling up against this woman and being in bed with some no-flesh-having bag of hangers, I'd take Kate Upton.
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #2: Romantic stargazing
Forget stars! The sky is falling in Russia! Holy meteorite!
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #3: Someone dies.
This week's worst death was that of Marco Rubio while giving the Republican response to the SOTU. It was so painful that I couldn't even feel the schadenfreude. And I love to feel the schadenfreude!
The secondhand embarrassment made me cringe. The subsequent edit of all his dry mouth sounds into one long clip makes me want to cry.
I'm starting to wonder if the purpose of the Republican response to the SOTU is to kill someone's political momentum (i.e. Bobby Jindal).
 |
| I don't always respond to the SOTU, but when I do I stay thirsty, my friends. |
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #4: Fornication of some kind (usually up against a wall or tree)
I read yet another story about the Boy Scouts this week and, while the Boy Scouts might change their stance on allowing "known or avowed homosexuals" in their organization, they probably will not be doing the same for agnostics or atheists.
If you're someone who lies about what you believe or what you question, you're still welcome!
Also, felony convictions are not an automatic bar to employment.
Fuck the Boy Scouts.
Again.
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #5: Some watered down/vanilla spirituality that doesn't actually stop the characters from doing whatever they want to do.
So, here's something that exists somewhere:
 |
| How much can you lift, bro? |
Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #6: Someone ends up with his/her soul mate.
Kate and Jacob finally got iPhones yesterday. I believe it's true love. They can't take their eyes off them.
Am I going to regret this?
Happy Friday, my friends! Stay thirsty!
Related links:
What Kind of Person Thinks Kate Upton is Fat?
A blog post from last year written by a crazy, mean person
Happy Friday, my friends! Stay thirsty!
Related links:
What Kind of Person Thinks Kate Upton is Fat?
A blog post from last year written by a crazy, mean person
Thursday, 14 February 2013
No. Not really.
Happy Singles Awareness Day!
I've pulled together this gif dance party for all the lonely hearts. Simply click play and scroll down...
Don't let anyone tell you that dancing on your own isn't awesome.
Happy Valentine's Day!
In other news, this is my 500th post. If I had a dollar for every post I've written...well, I'd have $500.
Can one of youloan give me $500?
Thanks for reading!
 |
| by Christopher Davis |
Happy Singles Awareness Day!
I've pulled together this gif dance party for all the lonely hearts. Simply click play and scroll down...
Don't let anyone tell you that dancing on your own isn't awesome.
Happy Valentine's Day!
In other news, this is my 500th post. If I had a dollar for every post I've written...well, I'd have $500.
Can one of you
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
 |
| Carlene and Wes Bickers |
There are a lot of things in which I do not believe. There are many things about which I am probably a bit too cynical.
True love, however, is not one of those things.
I believe in it. Absolutely and completely.
And, it's important to note, I do not believe in true love as something that exists in a trouble-free bubble, a place where nothing ever goes wrong, where arguments never happen, where only blissful happiness exists.
I know that this kind of love is about loving someone truly and deeply through times that are wonderful and times that are difficult. This is what my grandparents did. Even when life was not simple or easy, they loved one another. They loved their children. They loved their grandchildren and their great-grandchildren. For six decades, they remained true to that. They were kind to one another and they were kind to us.
They gave us so much love that it lives on in all of us to this day.
They began as sweethearts in the 1940s, two people younger than my own son is today. On their 50th wedding anniversary, they told a story about one of their first dates. At the end of the evening, my granddad had just enough money for their bus fare back home or a bag of peanuts they could share on the long walk home. My grandma said, "Let's get the peanuts."
They were sweethearts even after my grandma's death in 2008, until the day my granddad passed away in 2010.
For all of us who love them and miss them so, they are sweethearts still.
Maybe I think Valentine's Day is silly and commercialized, a marketing strategy for jewelry stores and florists and Hallmark.
But do I believe in love?
You're damn right I do.
The Luckiest: A Love Story
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Since Valentine's Day is Thursday, I thought I'd share my favorite Valentine of all time. I've saved it in a little box for years. I think it probably deserves to be framed.
Read the story behind the Valentine:
The Todd Childs Post (Happiness Challenge Day 3)
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| (front) |
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| (back) |
Read the story behind the Valentine:
The Todd Childs Post (Happiness Challenge Day 3)
Monday, 11 February 2013
Quick recap of last week's episode: "I knew you six were the six for me."
The bachelor and the six contestants are on a plane to St. Croix.
It does not crash.
Tierra is wearing a sideways cross necklace. I'm not an expert, but I think that's a sign she's the devil.
Ashley is 32 years old and, according to Tierra, Ashley is an old maid.
"Why hasn't she found someone she can settle down with? She's, like, 32 years old!"
OMG.
I wonder how many cats Ashley has.
The bachelor is talking about how he's seen another side of Ashley, her vulnerability and her strength, while the camera pans down her body while she strips off her shorts and shirt to reveal her bathing suit.
Say what you will about how this show is truly ridiculous, but the editing is hilarious and, I have no doubt, purposely done.
It's like when you see a headline in a newspaper that has a dirty meaning and everyone at the paper pretends like it was unintentional? Please. It totally happened on purpose.
My friend the late Tim Greening once wrote a column about possible new names for the baseball team in Shreveport, the Shreveport Captains. The column went through our editor with no problem. By that afternoon, Tim felt completely guilty. He messaged me several times. "I need to tell them to take that name out." Of course, I said, "What? Are you kidding? It's already to the copy desk. Let's just see how far it goes."
Clearly, Tim was a better person than I. He went to the copy desk and sheepishly asked them to remove the possibly offensive name.
It was the Shreveport Spank Monkeys.
OK, back to The Bachelor.
They're having a date on the beach. I love how much they emphasize Ashley trusting Sean and how important this is. Um, he's dating five other women and he's going to dump five people along the way to a totally phony engagement.
I TRUST there's going to be some douchebaggery up in here.
Now Ashley has a big secret to tell him.
She's a man.
It's going to be make-or-break, she says.
The build-up is making me think she went to jail.
Fifteen years ago...build-up....build-up...build-up...
She killed her mom.
Nope. She married the high school boyfriend at 17.
She was a married high school junior (divorced by senior year).
Meh.
It's been 15 years.
Who wants to be judged based on crap they did in high school?
Stuff I did in high school:
Snuck out of the house twice.
Drank a lot.
I mean, a lot a lot. It was Louisiana.
Cried over my dumb high school boyfriend a lot.
I mean, a lot a lot.
Did as little homework as possible.
Had a huge party when my mom was out of town for the Rolling Stones concert in Dallas.
Stole Christmas decorations from someone's front yard. I will not name the names of the other people who were with me. See you guys in hell!
Oh dear Lord, this girl just said she loves Sean.
They've been on one date. Maybe two. I'm not very good at keeping up with this stuff.
It's time for the first one-on-one date with Tierra, who is clearly insane.
Here's a little tip for you guys out there: If a woman doesn't get along with other women, she's probably a bitch. No, other women don't dislike her because she's so beautiful. Please. I have a lot of friends and they are all beautiful. Women don't like to hang out with women who are egotistical pains in the arse. Simple as that. And don't act all surprised if you marry this woman who has no female friends and you discover you're married to a bitch.
I like Tierra's turquoise necklace.
Sean should put on more sunscreen.
I am bored out of my mind already.
Can we retire "journey?"
Not the band.
The word.
Every reality show uses that word nonstop. "Your journey ends tonight." "I hope our journey continues."
This is the only Journey I want to hear:
Back from commercial break:
Sean is sneaking into the women's room and taking photos of them first waking up.
Now it's time for a group date.
They're all in a jeep together taking a road trip.
The jeep doesn't crash.
There are three women on this "date" with Sean. I just don't get it. It's such a weird thing. I can't imagine being one of these women trying to get the attention of this man. It seems incredibly humiliating in every possible way.
Ooh, speaking of not dating douchebags - yes, that's what we were discussing - I did the best thing awhile back. I made a very conscious decision not to date someone I shouldn't date. Hell, even Kate had said, "Please tell me you're not going to date _____ again." Seventh-graders recognize when someone isn't the right guy. I realized that whenever he was around, my stomach hurt. Like twisted-into-knots, your-body-is-trying-to-tell-you-something hurt.
So I said, "I'm not going to be seeing you. I wish you all the best. It's not you, it's me," etc.
And I sang this song:
These girls look good in bikinis. Can you imagine the stress of having to be on television in your bathing suit? No thank you.
Now there's some making out.
Sloppy tenths.
OK, next girl. Catherine. Yes, I'm trying to listen to their names now that there are only six of them.
"I can tell she wants to tell me something," Sean says.
Good grief, does everyone have a sad story to tell this man? Apparently so.
Oh crap, her dad had a suicide attempt in front of her and her sisters.
Geez. He went away. They don't really see him.
Dammit.
It reminds me of when Kate said that a lot of her friends don't know her dad is dead. It has to be this story that gets told to new people. I seriously hate that for both my children.
You're bringing me down, The Bachelor.
I don't watch this for serious shit. I watch this to make fun of you.
Oh God, now another girl is crying. I bet Sean is worn out by the end of the day with all the crying and confessions.
That's why I have a blog. Just read that and get the serious stuff. Because there's no crying on dates, dammit. Drinking. Making out. No fucking crying.
OK, and we're back. A one-on-one date with some fruit picking.
There better not be any damn crying.
This girl is "totally falling in love with Sean." Sorry, I didn't listen to her name. I was distracted by an article on Buzzfeed about the pope.
Hey, speaking of crazy religious stuff, I defy you to watch this and not say DAFUQ did I just watch?
OK, Sean's sister is visiting. He can't wait to tell her about all his feelings for these women.
Feelings.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I don't think he really likes any of these women.
I just realized that Ashley's name is AshLee. No. Parents of the world, please stop doing this crap to your children.
Anyway, Tierra and AshLee are having an argument. Drama queens.
"Girls are jealous. Men love me," Tierra says.
UGH.
Only awful women say that kind of stuff.
Tierra: "That's my face. I can't help it." Out of context, in context, doesn't matter. Hilarious.
"My parents said 'Tierra, you have a sparkle. Don't let those girls take your sparkle away.'"
It's time for my favorite gif, you guys.
Sean's sister wants to meet Tierra.
Oh good Lord, she's in her room crying. DRAMA.
Do guys like that stuff? I'd be so annoyed with the constant drama.
Save the drama for your llama.
We're back from commercial and Tierra is STILL crying! Sean says he's crazy about her and the keyword here is CRAZY.
Wait. He's sending her home. He DOES have a brain in his head! I'm impressed.
He's sending her home because he can see how emotionally hard this is for her. I think Tierra's attention-seeking plan backfired.
Those women stole Tierra's sparkle!
Sean is telling the women that he sent Tierra home after a "moment of clarity."
I don't know how these women are keeping themselves from cheering and laughing.
There won't be a cocktail party.
What? How will they get the women sufficiently drunk so that they'll cry in the limo after they get kicked off?
Has anyone else thought about the fact that the host Chris Harrison does about five minutes of work for each two-hour episode of The Bachelor? I wonder how much he gets paid.
Never mind. It will depress me to find out.
I think AshLee just got a pity rose.
Thank goodness it's over.
Next week: The hometown dates full of awkward conversations with parents and siblings who are pretending they're totally cool with their daughters/sisters being on a reality dating show.
See you then!
The bachelor and the six contestants are on a plane to St. Croix.
It does not crash.
Tierra is wearing a sideways cross necklace. I'm not an expert, but I think that's a sign she's the devil.
Ashley is 32 years old and, according to Tierra, Ashley is an old maid.
"Why hasn't she found someone she can settle down with? She's, like, 32 years old!"
OMG.
I wonder how many cats Ashley has.
The bachelor is talking about how he's seen another side of Ashley, her vulnerability and her strength, while the camera pans down her body while she strips off her shorts and shirt to reveal her bathing suit.
Say what you will about how this show is truly ridiculous, but the editing is hilarious and, I have no doubt, purposely done.
It's like when you see a headline in a newspaper that has a dirty meaning and everyone at the paper pretends like it was unintentional? Please. It totally happened on purpose.
My friend the late Tim Greening once wrote a column about possible new names for the baseball team in Shreveport, the Shreveport Captains. The column went through our editor with no problem. By that afternoon, Tim felt completely guilty. He messaged me several times. "I need to tell them to take that name out." Of course, I said, "What? Are you kidding? It's already to the copy desk. Let's just see how far it goes."
Clearly, Tim was a better person than I. He went to the copy desk and sheepishly asked them to remove the possibly offensive name.
It was the Shreveport Spank Monkeys.
OK, back to The Bachelor.
They're having a date on the beach. I love how much they emphasize Ashley trusting Sean and how important this is. Um, he's dating five other women and he's going to dump five people along the way to a totally phony engagement.
I TRUST there's going to be some douchebaggery up in here.
Now Ashley has a big secret to tell him.
She's a man.
It's going to be make-or-break, she says.
The build-up is making me think she went to jail.
Fifteen years ago...build-up....build-up...build-up...
She killed her mom.
Nope. She married the high school boyfriend at 17.
She was a married high school junior (divorced by senior year).
Meh.
It's been 15 years.
Who wants to be judged based on crap they did in high school?
Stuff I did in high school:
Snuck out of the house twice.
Drank a lot.
I mean, a lot a lot. It was Louisiana.
Cried over my dumb high school boyfriend a lot.
I mean, a lot a lot.
Did as little homework as possible.
Had a huge party when my mom was out of town for the Rolling Stones concert in Dallas.
Stole Christmas decorations from someone's front yard. I will not name the names of the other people who were with me. See you guys in hell!
Oh dear Lord, this girl just said she loves Sean.
They've been on one date. Maybe two. I'm not very good at keeping up with this stuff.
It's time for the first one-on-one date with Tierra, who is clearly insane.
Here's a little tip for you guys out there: If a woman doesn't get along with other women, she's probably a bitch. No, other women don't dislike her because she's so beautiful. Please. I have a lot of friends and they are all beautiful. Women don't like to hang out with women who are egotistical pains in the arse. Simple as that. And don't act all surprised if you marry this woman who has no female friends and you discover you're married to a bitch.
I like Tierra's turquoise necklace.
Sean should put on more sunscreen.
I am bored out of my mind already.
Can we retire "journey?"
Not the band.
The word.
Every reality show uses that word nonstop. "Your journey ends tonight." "I hope our journey continues."
This is the only Journey I want to hear:
Back from commercial break:
Sean is sneaking into the women's room and taking photos of them first waking up.
Now it's time for a group date.
They're all in a jeep together taking a road trip.
The jeep doesn't crash.
There are three women on this "date" with Sean. I just don't get it. It's such a weird thing. I can't imagine being one of these women trying to get the attention of this man. It seems incredibly humiliating in every possible way.
Ooh, speaking of not dating douchebags - yes, that's what we were discussing - I did the best thing awhile back. I made a very conscious decision not to date someone I shouldn't date. Hell, even Kate had said, "Please tell me you're not going to date _____ again." Seventh-graders recognize when someone isn't the right guy. I realized that whenever he was around, my stomach hurt. Like twisted-into-knots, your-body-is-trying-to-tell-you-something hurt.
So I said, "I'm not going to be seeing you. I wish you all the best. It's not you, it's me," etc.
And I sang this song:
These girls look good in bikinis. Can you imagine the stress of having to be on television in your bathing suit? No thank you.
Now there's some making out.
Sloppy tenths.
OK, next girl. Catherine. Yes, I'm trying to listen to their names now that there are only six of them.
"I can tell she wants to tell me something," Sean says.
Good grief, does everyone have a sad story to tell this man? Apparently so.
Oh crap, her dad had a suicide attempt in front of her and her sisters.
Geez. He went away. They don't really see him.
Dammit.
It reminds me of when Kate said that a lot of her friends don't know her dad is dead. It has to be this story that gets told to new people. I seriously hate that for both my children.
You're bringing me down, The Bachelor.
I don't watch this for serious shit. I watch this to make fun of you.
Oh God, now another girl is crying. I bet Sean is worn out by the end of the day with all the crying and confessions.
That's why I have a blog. Just read that and get the serious stuff. Because there's no crying on dates, dammit. Drinking. Making out. No fucking crying.
OK, and we're back. A one-on-one date with some fruit picking.
There better not be any damn crying.
This girl is "totally falling in love with Sean." Sorry, I didn't listen to her name. I was distracted by an article on Buzzfeed about the pope.
Hey, speaking of crazy religious stuff, I defy you to watch this and not say DAFUQ did I just watch?
OK, Sean's sister is visiting. He can't wait to tell her about all his feelings for these women.
Feelings.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I don't think he really likes any of these women.
I just realized that Ashley's name is AshLee. No. Parents of the world, please stop doing this crap to your children.
Anyway, Tierra and AshLee are having an argument. Drama queens.
"Girls are jealous. Men love me," Tierra says.
UGH.
Only awful women say that kind of stuff.
Tierra: "That's my face. I can't help it." Out of context, in context, doesn't matter. Hilarious.
"My parents said 'Tierra, you have a sparkle. Don't let those girls take your sparkle away.'"
It's time for my favorite gif, you guys.
Sean's sister wants to meet Tierra.
Oh good Lord, she's in her room crying. DRAMA.
Do guys like that stuff? I'd be so annoyed with the constant drama.
Save the drama for your llama.
We're back from commercial and Tierra is STILL crying! Sean says he's crazy about her and the keyword here is CRAZY.
Wait. He's sending her home. He DOES have a brain in his head! I'm impressed.
He's sending her home because he can see how emotionally hard this is for her. I think Tierra's attention-seeking plan backfired.
Those women stole Tierra's sparkle!
Sean is telling the women that he sent Tierra home after a "moment of clarity."
I don't know how these women are keeping themselves from cheering and laughing.
There won't be a cocktail party.
What? How will they get the women sufficiently drunk so that they'll cry in the limo after they get kicked off?
Has anyone else thought about the fact that the host Chris Harrison does about five minutes of work for each two-hour episode of The Bachelor? I wonder how much he gets paid.
Never mind. It will depress me to find out.
I think AshLee just got a pity rose.
Thank goodness it's over.
Next week: The hometown dates full of awkward conversations with parents and siblings who are pretending they're totally cool with their daughters/sisters being on a reality dating show.
See you then!
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