1. More than 2,500 hits to the blog have been by people looking for a photo of a "sad cat." Seventy-nine people have been looking for "cat sad." And 98 people who need more itty-bitty, cuddly-wuddly cute with their angst, have arrived looking for "sad kitten."
2. Only 54 people have arrived after searching the term "clooney."
3. Ryan Gosling wearing glasses has attracted 123 people. To my blog. In real life, Ryan Gosling wearing glasses has attracted 1,230,000,000 people.
4. The most visits come from people in the United States, the UK, Australia, Germany, and Canada. When I see a visit from a foreign country, I automatically assume it's from the one person I know in that country. I'm ridiculous.
5. I'm trying to adopt a new persona: the starving artist who is too cool to sell out to the man.
6. It's not working. I want a retirement fund and a swimming pool and a vacation in Bora Bora.
7. When I indulge my starving artist fantasies, I think about starting a commune on a big piece of land somewhere. We will have chickens and a garden and all our trailers will form a big circle. In the middle of the circle, we will have a swimming pool. It'll be like Melrose Place without any bitches.
8. A friend pointed out that attempting to form a counter-culture commune never ends well. He's right. Eventually, someone in your tiny utopia cuts their foot and gets an infection and dies.
9. This morning, Jacob came in and said, "I had a dream last night that I was in the bathroom and Uncle Tim pushed the door open and said, 'Hey, wanna see a magic trick?' and then Uncle Tim squatted slightly and took a crap on the hallway floor!
Then I woke up! It was like a nightmare!"
10. I have never laughed so hard at 6:30 in the morning in my life.
11. I know my daughter loves me blindly because this morning, as I was lazing around in bed while she got ready for school, she came over and said, "You look so pretty."
12. I'm pretty sure I look kind of like this in the morning.
14. I realize she gets this tendency from me. I often repeat things for emphasis.
15. I often repeat things for emphasis.
16. Bill O'Reilly is a horrible person.
17. Bill O'Reilly is a horrible person.
18. James Frey is a douchebag. If I come across A Million Little Pieces in the biography section of a bookstore, I will move it to fiction. Every single time.
19. Have you ever followed someone's social media persona and thought that, even if they're nice enough in real life, online they seem like a spoiled, suburban nightmare?
20. BFF Tina has been sending me tweets that illustrate this point perfectly. In fact, I'm thinking if the person who runs that Twitter account changed the name to Spoiled Suburban Nightmare, she'd probably get 200,000 followers and a book deal.
21. Dear Asshats of Hobby Lobby: Emergency contraception is not the same as an abortion.
22. I am exhausted by people who do not get that emergency contraception works the same as regular birth control. I am sick of acting like these people aren't complete idiots. They are too stupid to even know how stupid they are. They are too stupid to even be embarrassed by their stupidity.
23. Did you know that Mod Podge is basically just watered-down Elmer's glue? You can make it at home for $2 instead of throwing down $8 on the constantly-unmanned counters at Hobby Lobby. Just mix half Elmer's and half water in a jar. Shake it. Boom. Done. Suck it, Hobby Lobby.
24. I'm currently reading The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. It is set in the near future in a monotheocracy called the Republic of Gilead. It used to be America. The regime in power takes Genesis at its word and goes beyond the intolerance of the Puritans. If you think it's a good idea to let religious dogma dictate people's reproductive rights, you should read it. If you still think it's a good idea, please fuck off.
25. "Testifying is special...It's Janine, telling about how she was gang-raped at fourteen and had an abortion. She told the same story last week...
But whose fault was it? Aunt Helena says, holding up one plump finger.
Her fault, her fault, her fault, we chant in unison.
Who led them on? Aunt Helena beams, pleased with us.
She did. She did. She did.
Why did God allow such a terrible thing to happen?
Teach her a lesson. Teach her a lesson. Teach her a lesson.
Last week, Janine burst into tears."
- The Handmaid's Tale, published in 1986.
26. The near future is now.
27. Don't believe me? Read this blog post: Embryo Adoption: This Is Really a Thing That Is Happening (Here's the source article from Huffington Post.)
28. I'm wondering why all business owners don't just say they're Christian Scientists, so they can offer insurance plans that don't cover anything at all.
29. I wonder if people who think their religious beliefs should be used to make laws would like to live based on what the Amish believe?
30. Maybe the world would improve if some of these fuckers looked up from their iPhones and built a barn or two.
31. What if the pull of good versus evil that people think they feel is really just the universe's indifference to their existence?
32. Tim Minchin is fantastic. This song has a lot of curse words and no lenience for the Pope, so if you're easily offended...Is this your first time here? Welcome. I hope you'll stick around.
33. Mitt Romney might be a robot. I don't want to see his birth certificate. I want to see the warranty.
34. Watching Mitt Romney talk to the veteran in this video is rather painful because it's hard to watch a robot try to connect with a real, live human being. Hey, Mitt, you going to France to "serve your church" is not even close to comparable with this man serving his country in Vietnam.
35. "We're the same age," Mitt says. Looking at these two men side by side is an excellent example of the Jack Donaghey dictum: "Rich 50 is middle class 38."
36. Mitt says when the constitution was written, marriage was between a man and a woman. Other things that were true when the constitution was written: A black man was considered 3/5 of a person (for population counts). Women did not have equal rights. Joseph Smith hadn't yet made up Mormonism.
37. Earlier this week, I finished reading God is not Great: Religion Poisons Everything by Christopher Hitchens. It's a fascinating read.
38. It occurred to me while reading it that anyone who reads it would think that every religion sounds ridiculous. Except for their own, of course.
39. Did you know that Mormons believed that the slaves were descendants of a third group in heaven who tried to stay neutral during the battle between God and Lucifer? Hitchens writes: "They had been forced into the world, compelled 'to take bodies in the accursed lineage of Canaan; and hence the negro or African race.'"
40. Are you fucking kidding me?
41. In 1965, around the time of the passage of the Civil Rights Act, the Mormons "had it divinely disclosed to them that black people were human after all."
42. Well, that's a relief. So either their God was a complete dick who didn't realize black people were human until 1965 or he just chose not to tell his Mormon followers until 1965.
43. I have no problem asking questions and thinking about the world beyond the borders with which society would like to surround us.
44. If you read a book like God is not Great in Starbucks, you will attract the attention of someone who also likes to question things. You will have an hour-long conversation about a hundred different things.
45. The person will introduce you to this video of Louis C.K. that you hadn't seen yet.
46. The person will tell you that you should move the hell out of Alabama.
47. Stuff like this makes me laugh.
48. Yesterday, there was a lot of talk about Google being able to calculate the Bacon Number of other famous folks. You knew I'd look up this person's number, right?
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| Here's a picture of George Clooney and bacon |
46. Men have radar. The second you go out one time with a new one, an old one will - out of the blue - call or send you an email. What should we call this? The Asshat Alarm? The Douchebag Signal? It lights up the night sky warning the guy that he is being evicted from your head space.
47. BFF Tina's best advice to me is: Do NOT let people live in your head rent-free.
48. Look at this house. It's crazy awesome. It reminds me of when the Ingalls family in the Little House on the Prairie books built a house into the side of a hill. Unlike these folks in Switzerland, the Ingalls had dirt floors. Go here to see more.
50. I'm sitting at Starbucks treating myself to a latte. It takes me a half-hour of work to pay for a latte.
51. "I'm questioning my life choices" is my latest punchline.
52. My old punchline was "I'm thinking about burning my house down and moving to an island."
53. Punchline is the wrong word. It's more like "desperate cry for help."
54. I make about 100 phone calls a day. I have found that people are generally very nice. I've only encountered one person who, upon hearing my rather benign questions, must have thought I was attempting to extract national secrets from her. She quickly hung up on me so she could readjust her tinfoil hat.
55. The headset makes my ears hurt.
/sad trombone
56. I've been thinking a lot this week about Charles. I miss my friend.
57. I've been thinking about the day he died. I know this is because a friend of friends committed suicide and a few people have reached out to me. This makes me feel really good, like I'm helping to change the accepted opinions on suicide, like I am fighting the taboo nature of the topic.
58. But I know that people are looking for someone to blame. I worry about the spouse, this person I don't know at all. I worry about the people who were the last to see this woman before she died.
59. I have worked long and hard to change my thinking about things, but I cannot help falling back into this thought, "What if I'd said something different? What if I'd said, "Let's go inside and talk about this. Please put down the gun."
60. I forgive myself anew.
61. "You can wet the rim of a glass and run your finger around the rim and it will make a sound. This is what I feel like: this sound of glass. I feel like the word shatter." - The Handmaid's Tale, page 103
62. I love when I come across a phrase or a passage in a book that makes me dog-ear the page, that makes me think, "I must come back to this later."
63. As awful as the subject of suicide is, this cartoon made me cackle.
62. I may be fucked in the head, but it's in a most delightful way.
63. I love Flight of the Conchords.
64. I love this dog.
66. When I was a child, the thing I learned from Encyclopedia Brown books is that paramedics always load stretchers head-first. The patient's feet are closest to the back doors.
67. My reaction to topless photos of Kate Middleton: Meh. People really need to calm down about topless photos. Men are topless all the time. Men with way bigger boobs than Kate Middleton are topless all the time.
68. Put a shirt on, dude.
69. My new co-workers already think I'm obsessed with George Clooney. Shocking, right?
70. It didn't help that when one of them said he once suffered from Bell's Palsy, I said, "Oh! George Clooney had that."
71. Gawker has a post with this headline: Facebook Ad Touting Dr Pepper as the "Evolution of Flavor" 'Sparks Boycott Calls from Creationists.
72. Chick-fil-A serves Dr. Pepper.
73. Sign of the apocalypse? Uh oh. Shit's about to get real.
74. In our family, whenever a picture is being taken, someone inevitably does bunny ears. So I sent my mom this comic:
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