Delightful Distractions For Mary

I've collected a whole lot of time-wasting delights from the Internet for my sister-in-law Mary, but of course anyone can use a time-wasting delight now and then.

If you're feeling down or feeling lonely or feeling bored, if the house is a little too quiet, simply take a trip down the rabbit hole.




“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat. "We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."

"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.

"You must be," said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.”

                   ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland



Something About France

Elmo Needs a Lemonade

Bloopers

The Most Astounding Fact

Something Lovely
A Life Defined Not By Disability, But Love

Kristin Bell Gets a Birthday Present

Dennis Quaid is Here!

Tragedy is Comedy
Go listen to Tig Notaro.

A Lovely Interview
Go listen to Maurice Sendak.

Read Something by Ray Bradbury
"All Summer In A Day"


"Ready?”
"Now?"
"Soon."
"Do the scientists really know? Will it happen today, will it?"
"Look, look; see for yourself!"

The children pressed to each other like so many roses, so many weeds, intermixed, peering out for a look at the hidden sun.

It rained.

It had been raining for seven years; thousands upon thousands of days compounded and filled from one end to the other with rain, with the drum and gush of water, with the sweet crystal fall of showers and the concussion of storms so heavy they were tidal waves come over the islands. A thousand forests had been crushed under the rain and grown up a thousand times to be crushed again. And this was the way life was forever on the planet Venus, and this was the schoolroom of the children of the rocket men and women who had come to a raining world to set up civilization and live out their lives.   MORE...


Listen to Something by Garfunkle and Oates

Listen to Something by Tim Minchin

"I know that one less vodka cranberry tonight
and I could feed some foreign family for a fortnight
But I might just have one more. 
After all what is vodka for
apart of making you wanna shag you're best mate's wife.
Dampening the guilt you feel about your perfect life."

Watch Michael Fassbender Be Kind of Creepy on the Subway and Realize Good Looking Guys Get Way More Leeway When It Comes to Being Kind of Creepy


Watch Matt Damon Do Funny Stuff

Watch a Short Movie About Being John Stamos

Watch a Julia Sugarbaker Rant

Watch George Clooney Being George Clooney


Watch This Wonderful Piece on Cary Grant

Learn Some Dance Moves

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Ode to The Cosby Show (And Other Things That Cheer Me Up)

I'm a grinch. It's OK. I know it.

I'm fully aware that I have issues with winter. It started three years ago when all my shock and denial wore off just in time for the holidays and I slipped into full-blown depression. I'm not kidding you when I tell you that during the next spring, when I was feeling much better, I started dreading the next winter. Yep. Dreading it even though it was six months away. That's sick.

So now I spend most of winter wishing it away, which really isn't fair since there are so many good things about winter, such as influenza epidemics, people getting murdered at Black Friday sales, and frostbite. Christmas makes it worse, unfortunately, because I have about $10 to spend on gifts and, according to Kate, EVERYONE in her school has an iPhone. Everyone but you, baby girl. Now, tie this string to an empty soup can and call someone who cares.

This morning, I had to spend $90 on a prescription to keep from going blind in my left eye (this might be hyperbole) and having to wear a patch like a pirate (actually, that sounds kind of awesome). The woman at the pharmacy acted shocked that my insurance didn't cover prescriptions.

Welcome to 2012, lady. Health insurance sucks and prescription prices are ridiculous. I did her the enormous favor of not crying at the checkout counter. I waited until I got in the car. But I couldn't keep myself from saying, "Well, Merry Christmas to me."

(sigh)

You suckers better be happy I've dealt with this issue because part of me was highly tempted to just have blurry vision in my left eye and start running over fools on the left side of the road.


So here's something that happened after I left Rite Aid and cried in the car. I went to get a latte because fuck it, take my $4! And when I got my latte, the Starbucks guy gave me a coupon for a free drink!

Woot! This is the THIRD free latte I've gotten since last Thursday.

I'm telling you, God doesn't want me to be rich or to have a book deal or a boyfriend who loves me, but HE WANTS ME TO DRINK LATTES.


So enough of all that bitching and moaning. I'm tired of myself. That's an annual occurrence, too. By the end of the year, I have had it up to here with myself and with this unnecessary exercise in reflection. What has the last year taught me? What has improved since 2011? What goals did I meet? How many bottles of vodka did I drink?

Despite my budgetary stress, I do know for a fact that Christmas Day will be excellent and no one is going to be upset that they didn't get an iPhone, or an iPad mini, or an iPad maxi, or a maxipad shaped like an iPad, or an iPod that smells like apples, or an apple that plays Justin Beiber songs when you twist off the stem to see who your next boyfriend is going to be. A...B...C...D. D it is! An apple never tells you you're going to fall for a guy whose name starts with M. Too bad, Mike.

Anyway, I've found there are ways to cheer myself up during this time of year. Here are a few of them:

1. The Cosby Show
Watch a rerun of The Cosby Show and see if you don't feel a little better about life. Hell, you don't even have to watch the show. Feeling worn out by talk of the fiscal cliff? Heathcliff Huxtable will make you feel better. 

If you're old enough to have watched the show when it first aired, then it has the nostalgia factor going for it. You will remember all the great episodes with fondness.

If you're not old enough to remember The Cosby Show...well, you know the drill.

(This gif of Cary Grant cheers me up.)

Episodes that cheer me up: The one when Cliff and Claire had the smooth contest.

OK, we don't have enough smooth contests up in here.

Or the one where they met Stevie Wonder. Jammin' on the one.

Why exactly would you say this at a party? I don't know. It's one of those mysteries that will never be solved.

Or the one where Denise made Theo the knockoff Gordon Gartrell shirt.

Or how about when the family taught Theo a lesson about life in the "real" world. I can't think of any lessons I need to teach Jacob that would make me clear out his entire bedroom. That is way too much work.

Or there's the episode where Cliff realizes Bud's name is not actually Bud. Or how about when the family celebrated the grandparents' anniversaries with lip-sync performances?

It makes me realize that, dammit, in addition to smooth contests, there is simply not enough lip-syncing up in here.

Also, Cliff and Claire react to every parenting issue exactly the way I wish I could manage to do more often than not. With humor, with sternness, with kindness. But without yelling.


2. S'mores and red wine. Nectar of the gods. Enough said.

3. Working out. Yes, I said it. As much as I want to sit my lazy arse on the sofa, I feel so much better when I work out before I cook dinner. (And I have to find some way to work off the damn S'mores calories.) I particularly love doing pec flies. Oh yeah, I feel like a badass when I do pec flies.

4. This photo of George Clooney...just because.

 5. This.

I hope everyone is having a cheerful Clooney Tuesday.

Related posts:
A Slippery Slope Covered in Butter: Yesterday, two of my dearest friends sent me emails that were remarkably similar. I hear a theme running through our correspondence of late. Who am I? Where am I? What has changed since last year? What will change next year? As if the end of the year isn't busy enough with Christmas parties and shopping and decorating, we also pack it full of self-examination and self-recrimination.
Winter Blues: Thoughts on Grieving When the holidays approach, my internal worry machine hits hyper-drive. I worry about the early sunset, all those hours when there is no light other than the lamp on my bedside table. I worry that I will stop working out, polish off a tub of cream cheese with a sleeve of crackers every day, and gain 15 pounds. I worry about hearing Christmas songs while I'm out in public because Christmas songs make me cry. I worry about having enough money for gifts and a tree and vodka and cranberry juice. I worry about falling back into the dark hole of grief and regret.
Winter Is The Worst "I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood." -Bill Watterson
Oh winter, must we go through this every year? 

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Clooney Tuesday - I Don't Give a Sh*t

Last week, Adelia (Ada) Zeidler told The New York Daily News that her brother George Clooney is not gay.

"We don’t even listen when people say things like that anymore. I think he decided that in his life he could have the career or he could have a family and so when he decided to go full bore into the acting, that was where his focus was going to be."

Also, it's not likely he'll get married.

“No, I would say he probably will not get married. If I had to guess I would have to say ‘no.’ I know everyone says ‘Well, Warren Beatty said he’d never get married and then he met Annette Bening.’ But you know that’s the only example people can think of, so it doesn’t bode too well."

Side note: I am sick to death of headlines suggesting that Stacy Keibler is crushed by this. Not all women want to get married. It is not the end-all, be-all goal of every vagina'd person on the planet.

Last February, George told The Advocate this about gay rumors: "I think it’s funny, but the last thing you’ll ever see me do is jump up and down, saying, 'These are lies!' That would be unfair and unkind to my good friends in the gay community. I'm not going to let anyone make it seem like being gay is a bad thing. My private life is private, and I’m very happy in it. Who does it hurt if someone thinks I'm gay? I'll be long dead and there will still be people who say I was gay. I don't give a sh*t."

I've had people tell me stories about George and that he's gay, and my reaction is pretty much this:


I wonder why that is. I mean, I am not on board with George marrying one of these young women he dates. It would take all the fun out of having him as my pretend boyfriend. Married men are just not attractive to me. (Is there anything less attractive than some married guy telling you how his wife doesn't understand him? Ugh, tell that story somewhere else, buddy.)

But me crushin' on some gay guy's boyfriend?

Sure, OK, why the hell not? (Again, he can not be married to the gay guy.) I mean, if George is gay than we have even more in common than I thought in that we're both into hooking up with hot dudes.

Haven't we progressed pretty far as a society that we can look past someone's private life and simply appreciate their work  or, to be extremely shallow, their good looks? For instance, I present to you Matt Bomer:

Matt Bomer is gay, and who cares?
Look at him!
LOOK AT HIM!
He has movie star good looks and he should be in ALL THE MOVIES ALL THE TIME.

Sometimes people compare George Clooney to the late Cary Grant. (Now, THAT'S a movie star, my friends.)

There have always been plenty of stories about Cary Grant being gay or bisexual. There is his rumored relationship with Randolph Scott, who he lived with on and off for more than a decade. Unlike George, Cary Grant married multiple women and it certainly didn't stop the rumors.

My favorite response to the rumors of his sexuality came from Grant's third wife, Betsy Drake: "Why would I believe that Cary was homosexual when we were busy fucking?"

My mom, who loved Cary Grant and introduced me to all his movies the minute I hit middle school, said recently, "What do I care if he was gay? He was wonderful!"

Loving movie stars has nothing to do with real life. We love movie stars (or athletes or rock stars) just as much for their talent as for the attributes we project onto them. (The problem is when we do this to people in real life. Stop projecting good things onto bad boys, my friends.)

What do I care who's gay and who's not? Let's stop using it as some sort of insult. Let's stop suggesting it's something of which someone should be ashamed. That's bullshit.

If George is gay, that's his business. He gained fame at a time when you couldn't be open about who you were and still expect to get cast as the love interest in a really crappy romantic comedy with Michelle Pfeiffer. Personally, my gut instinct is that he's not gay. But what the hell do I know? I don't know the man and I never will, but I will continue to see his movies regardless of his private life. (Unless he makes another Ocean's movie with Julia Roberts or murders a puppy or something.)

I believe we live in a time where up-and-coming actors can be more open about their sexuality. I know for a fact I would shell out some dough to watch Matt Bomer in a romantic comedy. Yeah, I would. You should watch him woo the ladies on White Collar.

I think it would serve society well to let go of these ridiculous hang-ups about homosexuality. I hope there are as many people like me as I suspect there are, people who shrug and say, "Meh, I don't give a shit."

Because if we don't change for the better, you men should be careful with your girlfriends. She just might marry a gay guy.

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

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Happy Birthday, Alfred Hitchcock

Alfred Hitchcock was born on this day in 1899.

When I was in middle school, I sometimes babysat a little girl named Betsy Poindexter. (Isn't that the best little girl name ever?) Her parents had a collection of Alfred Hitchcock movies on videotape and I would watch them every time I babysat after I tucked Betsy into bed. 

Since then I have seen Rear Window, Vertigo, and To Catch a Thief more times than I could possibly count. It is one of my childhood dreams to be Grace Kelly in her gorgeous, flowing white evening gown making out with the charming cat thief Cary Grant, symbolic fireworks exploding in the sky beyond the hotel windows. 

I'm also a sucker for North by Northwest because Cary Grant doing anything in any movie is almost always better than any other other actor in any movie doing anything. 

I have to be in the right mood for Vertigo (it's best to start out sort of miserable because you certainly won't be happy at the end), but I will watch Rear Window every single time it is on. If you haven't ever seen it, I highly recommend it. It stars James Stewart and Grace Kelly. 

I am obsessed with Grace Kelly's style in that film. I want to dress like her. I want a tiny valise in which to carry my silky nightgown and robe.

I want to have somewhere to go that requires me to wear her black and white evening gown. 

I want to pour someone a brandy and stay up late spying on the neighbors. 

When I was young, I loved finding Alfred Hitchcock's cameo in each of his films. This trick of his of always appearing briefly in the film is especially impressive when you consider that one of his films takes place entirely in a boat (Lifeboat) while another one takes place entirely in one apartment (Rope). In Rear Window, you can catch him walking down the sidewalk that can be seen in between the buildings across the courtyard from Jimmy Stewart's apartment. 

If you haven't watched any of his films, you absolutely should.

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GTFO

Latest search term that led someone to my blog:

"Hotties doing the Tebow pose."

Once again, please allow Cary Grant to show you the door.

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No. Just no.

Someone landed on my blog by typing this search term into Google: Kim Kardashian's favorite vodka.

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