Channeling My Spirit Animal

The first nine seconds of this video? That's me today. I have not cried once.
Yet.
That's all.


I know it's Clooney Tuesday, but I'm just not that into him lately.

Other things I'm not into lately:
Working out.
Grocery shopping.
Putting away the laundry.
Putting up with idiots.

Oh, wait, I'm not really into those last three things EVER.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Read More

Why I'm Such a Bitch

Last night, your basic Alabama conservative nightmare dropped by my Facebook page to pose this question: Why are you such a bitch, Amy?

This person just couldn't take my posts anymore. "No honey, I was exhausted by your posts. I just couldn't take anymore without speaking my mind. Like Obama, I know you are not used to a differing opinion, and instead of considering it, you will instead ignore it. How enlightened. Enjoy being a big giant fish in an itty bitty pond."

Is he saying that Obama also knows that I am not used to a differing opinion?

What differing opinion am I supposed to be considering here? That I am a bitch?

Because I don't know when I didn't welcome differing opinions. You want to have an intelligent conversation about issues that matter? Let's do it. You want to sputter and spit about how Obama is a secret Muslim born in Kenya who engineered the hurricane to gain votes? Please put on your tinfoil hat and take your Goddamn meds.

Last night, I "exhausted" this asshat by posting a link to a video of George Clooney seducing Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight. I posted a quote from my son who, while watching election coverage, declared that "Donna Brazile is my new favorite black woman. She looks so friendly!" I posted a video from Team America of this awesome song. Because it's funny.

Then, bitch that I am, I said that people who threaten to move out of the country actually should. (Just don't move to Canada or, basically, anywhere in Europe. You might try that wonderland of small government Somalia. You can take your guns. Yea!)

Listen, this isn't just about elections. If you bitch about leaving your husband all damn day every day, then do it. Jesus, everyone is sick of hearing it. If you hate your job or your house or your fat ass, after a while you have to stop the bitching and get to moving.

So, if you threaten to move out of America, do it. As The Great Chris Talley™ told someone who is moving to Brazil (which has a tax-funded universal healthcare system, but whatever, I just can't with these people): "I don't know much about Brazil's political system, but if you feel like they have something better to offer you then props to you for making such a bold move. It is a beautiful place and it sounds like a pretty badass adventure."

That's because The Great Chris Talley™ is a good man.

And this guy who says he knew me in 9th grade isn't.

So he came to my Facebook page and called me a bitch.

Stay classy, San Diego.

Here's the thing: No one seems to love America less than the people who claim to be the best at loving it. You've got your flag pin tacked to your lapel, but you're spewing hateful, vile words at the people who live in this country. You are calling Americans idiots and you're threatening to move to Canada (seriously, they have socialized medicine there, too).

It reminds me of men who claim to love women but who take every chance they get to call them whores and bitches and sluts. The men who do this do not actually love women. They love their penises and they want to put them in women. Period.

But back to me. Why am I such a bitch?

Because I have opinions and I express them?

Because I support gay rights, fervently and without reservation?

Because I support a woman's right to choose?

Because I think men adding words like "forcible" and "legitimate" to describe rape is sad evidence of a political party plagued by misogyny and ignorance?

Because I think politicians should pick up a damn science book before they say moronically stupid things about how a woman's body works or about evolution or climate change?

Because I think that, if you want to sell me on your fiscal policies, you're going to have to extract your party from the grip of evangelicals and homophobes and stop expecting me to take people like Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann seriously?

Because I don't want any religion to be used to govern us? Freedom of religion means that even if you are super-duper convinced that your religion is right, you don't get to use it to rule this country. Sorry. Go to church. Pray all you want.

The pilgrims - you know those folks you are going to talk about while you craft construction-paper cornucopias and costume your children in wide-brimmed hats and buckled shoes for Thanksgiving activities at school? Those pilgrims refused to conform to their monarchy's theology. They came here seeking freedom. Seems to me if you don't like it, then yes, you should ACTUALLY MOVE and seek a place where the separation of church and state isn't one of the founding principles. Like Saudi Arabia. (Just hide your bible and your cross since it's forbidden to display those items because they don't fit with the religion in power.)

Nope, can't move to Australia, either.

I guess I am "such a bitch" because I make jokes at the expense of idiots who can't be bothered to do any research about the country they are (not actually) going to move to now that the world has ended and Obama is going to come for their guns and their Labrador puppies and their bibles and their unborn babies so he can give them to poor people and Satan.

Yep. I'm a bitch.

It's OK. Call me whatever names you want. I can handle it. I can handle more than you can on your best day. I can handle it with one hand tied behind my back and a vanilla latte in the other hand. I invite you, if you are struck by the urge to call me a bitch, to do so. I welcome your disdain. I crave it.

Bring it.

Or you could simply unfriend me. It's not like we are actually friends anyway.

Yes. I am such a bitch.

It's really too bad you're not one, too.

Read More

I Love My Spirit Animal

Read More