But Where Does the Red Brick Road Lead?

During a press conference last week, the NRA's Wayne LaPierre suggested that 1994's Natural Born Killers is partially to blame for what happened in Newtown.

This has prompted me to share some good news and bad news with you, my loyal readers:

Good news: Nearly two decades ago, I watched Natural Born Killers. In the 18 years since, I never murdered anyone.

Yea!

Wait. Not so fast.

Bad news: Last night I watched an even older movie.

This morning I accidentally killed a woman before stealing her shoes. Now I'm going to get a makeover and ask if they can turn my eyes from brown to blue. Then I think I'll murder the woman's sister and steal her broom.

Stick the dog in a basket 'cause this day's about to get crazy.

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Clooney Tuesday - Brain Dump Edition

The Weekend in Review 
Friday night, we saw Louis C.K. in Athens. He was just as good as I expected him to be. He scraps his old act at the end of a tour and starts over, so everything we heard was new. That was great since I'm pretty sure I've watched every single clip of him on YouTube.

When we took our seats, I said, "Jacob, you sit over there by Uncle Tim. When Louis C.K. starts making jokes about masturbation, you're going to want a buffer zone between you and your mother."

About midway through the show, some dumb bitch sitting near us yelled out, "Fuck you."

What? No, ma'am, you do not heckle Louis C.K. Hell, that's not even heckling, that's just stupidity.

It felt like the entire audience gasped in one huge intake of breath. Someone near the front turned and yelled out, "You bitch!"

Louis said, "No, you're not helping. Who said that? No, never mind." He carried on.

You could feel it in the place though, how the energy changed for a bit, how everyone was nervous this idiot would yell out something else rude and disruptive. I also thought, "No! Look what you did! Now he's not going to like us! I want him to like us!"

Thankfully, she didn't yell out again and, when the show ended, she bolted for the door. Louis went on with the show and quickly recaptured the joyful, relaxed vibe. On his way off the stage, though, he said, "And fuck you, too, lady."

This brings up something that bugs me: People who get wasted to attend concerts and shows. Why do people do this? Do they not want to remember the show they have paid good money to see? How about you stay home instead?

We had several drunk folks sitting in the row in front of us. The woman directly in front of me was with a date and she spent a lot of time rubbing his hair and looking at him. She was looking at him in that intense way people do when they're trying to get you to look back. Not a glance here and there but staring. WTF? You're at a show. Your date wants to see the show. Leave him alone.

People are weird.

Luckily, these folks did not ruin our enjoyment of a truly great comedy show. My brother and I spent the next two days saying to one another, "Oh! Remember when he said..." and "I forgot that! That was hilarious!"

It's good evidence of just how dense a Louis C.K. show is. There aren't just a few jokes that stand out. Every minute is filled with something funny or worth remembering.

For instance, he was discussing his looks and getting older. He said it's tough to look like this at 20, but by 45, it's OK. You have a way better shot with women because their "circumstances start to match your looks." So true.

He's going to film an HBO special during this tour (I'm glad it wasn't during our show because of that dumb, drunk woman.) The special will air sometime next year. Louis C. K. announced on Twitter that after this new special is shown on HBO, it will be sold a few months later as a $5 download at his Web site, louisck.net. I can't wait to see it.

One of the main reasons I love Louis C.K. is that I love hearing someone else who thinks about things in the same warped way, who uses humor to make sense of this messed up world. It's reassuring to hear someone speaking your language.

Sunday night, I went to Workplay to see Duncan Sheik. The audience was small so we had a table near the stage. It's been awhile since I've been to a show in an intimate venue like that. Duncan Sheik has an easy, relaxed manner on stage. I love pretty much everything he does, so it doesn't matter to me if he sings old stuff or new stuff. I thought the set list was a pretty good mix of both, plus a couple of covers of songs by Depeche Mode and Tears for Fears.

Are you too young to know who Depeche Mode and Tears for Fears are?


Afterward, there was a meet and greet. We chatted with one of the opening acts, Courrier, a band from Austin. They were great, full of energy and major stage presence. They're adorable and look young enough to be my children. I FEEL OLD. They have a new album coming out in the new year. I'm planning to buy it since I suspect it would make good writing music.



Unfortunately, the weekend also included the awful news of Jovan Belcher murdering his girlfriend and then committing suicide in front of other people.

Unfortunately, I have read the news stories and the endlessly ignorant comments underneath.

Unfortunately, I have heard people getting worked up about having their gun rights taken away.

There's just too much "unfortunately" going on up in here.

Here is the sort of gun control I endorse and wish people would consider: If you live with someone who is struggling with depression, get rid of the guns. If you live with someone who has a substance abuse problem, get rid of the guns. Get them out of your house. Lock them up somewhere. Put them in storage.

Yes, certainly, if someone really wants to die they will find a way to do it. What is also true is that not all acts of violence against others or oneself are planned out. They are impulsive. They happen in an instant. And, trust me, it's much easier to follow through with that impulse if you have a gun around.  So consider your personal situation. Consider whether or not you need easy access to a gun in your home.

This gun owner paranoia happens every time there is a violent news story like this. I wish that people would get worked up and rant about the fact that this country does a piss-poor job of discussing mental illness, domestic violence, and substance abuse.

I suspect people like to go through life thinking they're above all that, that they'll never have to face any of those issues, so maybe that's why they ignore it and stigmatize anyone who seeks help for such things.

Recently, Donald Trump posted some dumb tweet (OK, he posts some dumb tweet about five times a day, at least) about how he's never sought therapy.

No shit, dude.

The implication was that if you do seek therapy, you're a loser.

Loser is his favorite word. God, does he ever suck.

Louis C.K. actually did a bit in his act Friday night about doing comedy shows at casinos and how little old ladies give their quarters to Donald Trump. They give him their money because he needs it more than they do.

Louis said (and I'm paraphrasing), "Donald Trump needs a billion dollars. He needs it. He has a billion-dollar deficit in his soul he needs to fill."

We need to remove the stigma from seeking help for mental illness. YOUR BRAIN IS PART OF YOUR BODY. Sorry to go all-caps on you. But I just wonder how ignorant people are that they don't think mental health is just as important as physical health.

MENTAL HEALTH IS PHYSICAL HEALTH.

I remember once a few years ago, when I first started going to counseling, I ran into a coworker on her way into the office as I was walking out. She asked where I was headed and I said, "I have an appointment with my counselor."

She acted like I shouldn't have said it out loud. Please, give me a break. After Charles's death, I'd have been embarrassed if I didn't go to counseling.

Also, I have so little tolerance for people and their bullshit embarrassment about stuff. Embarrassment is for suckers.

Seek help if you need it. Don't shame people who seek help. Encourage your children to express themselves using their words. Don't shame them for crying or for expressing emotion. Make sure they know that they can talk to someone other than you if they need to.

And, yes, having a gun is your right. Good for you, Mr. and Mrs. America. But simply because you can have something in your home, should you? I'm not saying yes or no. I don't have an opinion about it really. I don't think making guns illegal is reasonable. I don't think it would make much difference.

I'm only saying think about it. Consider what is best for you and your family.

I, personally, will never live with a gun in my home again. I can imagine no scenario in which I will change my mind. If the zombie apocalypse begins, I will use a badass sword like Michonne. But to each his own. You fight zombies your way, I'll fight them my way.

It's only that I have seen firsthand just how quickly and easily a gun can change your life and the lives of everyone you love. Might Charles have died anyway, at some point? Certainly he might have. But his suicide wasn't some planned-out thing. It was decided in a heartbeat. Might he have made this decision again later, driven by an impulse that would come again and again? I don't know. I will never know.


Tina has been unpacking boxes that were in storage for a bit. She sent me this photo she found.

This photo warms my heart and breaks it all at the same time. They're so beautiful, the three of them, and I know that I was the person they were smiling at.

It's Kate's tiny hand wrapped around Charles's finger that just tears me up inside.

It's Kate's tiny hand wrapped around Charles's finger that makes me so determined to shed light on dark topics. Things can go terribly wrong. We are human beings and we are not perfect. We are beaten up by this world in which, frankly, we do not seem to truly belong. Sometimes it seems like we don't come fully equipped for all that will befall us.

Admitting that is not shameful. Seeking help to get through the hard times is not shameful. Speaking out about mental and emotional health is not shameful. Discussing tragic events without using the words "loser" and "asshole" is not shameful. Offering love and compassion to those who falter is not shameful.

That is why we are here, isn't it? To love one another?

If not, then it's hard for me to see the point.

If you're here to spread ignorance about all the losers in the world via Twitter, then Louis C.K. is right. You have a billion-dollar deficit you need to fill.

Here's a quarter to help you get started.



Perfume commercials are ridiculous

If someone in real life acted the way celebrities do in perfume commercials, you would say:

A) "Where the hell are you running to all the time?"

B) "Why the fuck are you lying around rubbing a perfume bottle all over yourself?"

C) "Um, so you can't take your necklace off like a normal person?"

How to Have a Stress-Free Christmas

For Christmas, Jacob has asked that we see The Hobbit that day.

On Reddit, I saw this take on those Facebook posts about bullying and it made me laugh:

"The hobbit you just called fat? He's skipping 2nd breakfast. The dwarf woman you called ugly? She spends hours braiding her beard so you can differentiate her from a dwarf man. The Uruk-Hai you just killed? He's been abused by Saruman. See that Gollum creature with the gangly limbs & large eyes? For 500 years the Ring poisoned his mind. That Elf you just made fun of for crying? She just lost her wizard friend to a Balrog. Put this as your status if you're against bullying in Middle-Earth."

I also want to see Les Miserables and we both want to see Django Unchained.


Last year, we relaxed at home all Christmas Day. For dinner that night, I picked up takeout from the Chinese restaurant one Interstate exit down from ours. Best Christmas Ever.

I think we'll do the same this year but with a trip to the movie theater that afternoon. I know I feel more grateful for all the gifts the world has to offer when I'm living in the moment with my two favorite people.

Clooney Tuesday

I almost forgot that it's Clooney Tuesday. Here's a clip of George on the Merv Griffin Show. That outfit...Oh man, the total 80s-ness of that outfit.

If he was wearing this outfit today, I would still jump his bones. Yep, totally.

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This Hater's Gonna Hate (Bad Mood Gif Party)

Channing Tatum is People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. This is likely the only time you will ever hear the sentence, "The sexiest man alive is from Alabama."

So enjoy it while you can, Alabama. Because mostly you are only likely to win Baldest or Puffiest or Visor-Wearingest or North-Face-Jacket-But-No-Physical-Activity-Havingest.

I apologize, Alabama. That was uncalled for.

I'm in a grumpy mood today. I mean, something must be wrong, because I just clicked through an entire gallery of photos of "sexy" men on People.com and mostly I thought this:

Meh.

(click)
Whatever.
(click)
No.
(click)
Who cares?
(click)
Boring.

Yeah, maybe...
(click)
OK, sort of.
(click)
How much gel is in your hair, man?
(click)
Blah.
(click)
Blah again.
(click)
Meh again.


I blame the weather. I blame this gloomy day. I blame fall. I blame Julia Roberts. Don't question why, just do it. You'll feel better if you blame her, too.

(Want to feel even better? Go read the greatest movie review EVER of Eat Pray Love.)

I also blame the fact that I woke up this morning feeling incredibly old and fat and tired.

I feel like gravity is really taking a toll on me lately. It's just a theory, right? Can I choose to ignore it the way people ignore evolution or climate change? Will this stop me from feeling like my eyelids and mouth and neck and boobs and ass are all trying desperately to touch the ground?


If I see one more story about people signing petitions to secede, I might scream.

The focus seems to be largely on Texas, although numerous other dumbasses in other states have signed petitions. Some folks are signing petitions for states in which they don't even live. Congratulations, you're an idiot.

The percentage of people signing these petitions is incredibly small. The media might as well do stories on kids who threaten to run away from home. The threats carry the same potential for actual follow-through, and the parents probably react much as most of America is right now. Don't forget to pack your underwear. Here's a PB&J. Have a nice trip. Good luck out there.


I have now read two stories about men who "committed suicide because Obama was reelected." This makes me want to scream, too. A person doesn't commit suicide because of who won an election. A person commits suicide because he is mentally ill. MENTALLY ILL. Americans, who will spend all damn day talking about cancer and buying bullshit pink toasters, can't spend half a second discussing mental illness and the toll it takes on the country every day.

This isn't about being crazy. This is about mental health. This is about suffering from depression or intense anxiety or paranoia or any other number of things. (A case could probably be made that one of these other number of things is exacerbated by watching too much irresponsible fear-mongering on Fox News.)

A mentally ill person will latch onto a reason that makes no sense in the grand scheme of things. Here, look, here's the reason. Those left behind will do this, too.

I live with this truth every God damn day of my life, so you can just go ahead and believe me.

Fuck these stories and their sensationalism.

Blah.

The General Petraeus thing doesn't interest me. Too many people involved, too much immature silliness, too many people using the phrase "Tampa socialite" with a straight face.

Do you ever hate-watch The 700 Club just to see what that senile fool Pat Robertson might say? I do. He said you can't blame the general. He was in a foreign land, lonely, and a woman was throwing herself at him. And this: "He's a man."

So all men cheat? (And it's because a woman was throwing herself at the man, naturally.)

I've heard this before. We have to hear this EVERY time a person of fame cheats on his wife. A man with whom I briefly went out told me that it is IMPOSSIBLE for men not to cheat if given the opportunity.

Chris Rock put it perfectly when he said, "Men are as faithful as their options."

It makes me sad for men that people obviously believe this about them. It makes men seem rather pathetic.

But I don't actually believe that ALL men cheat, because I don't believe that ALL (fill-in-the-blank people of a certain group) always do (fill-in-the-blank with a certain activity).

For instance, it's that time of year when I want to call radio stations and tell them to shove their obnoxious jewelry store advertisements, because, if you listen to a few of these, you will start to believe that ALL women are money-grubbing, diamond-lusting pains in the ass.

Just as certain magazines make me realize I will never be Southern enough (that's a post for another day), advertisements for jewelry stores make me realize I will never be woman enough.

These ads are all of the "Ladies love diamonds, son! You better get Whoredelia a diamond or you'll be in the doghouse. Hardy har har!" variety.

I've never been one to lust over jewelry. I once knew someone who bragged about the value of all the jewelry she was wearing on her body often enough that one would be right to question the value of what was in her heart.

I think maybe I just don't like the pressure that some people put on other people to buy them things that better cost the right amount and be from the right store and send the right message.

A friend once told me a story about a woman who turned down an engagement ring from her fiance, a ring that his grandmother brought to America from the "old country," because it was not WORTH ENOUGH.

People like this get married every day. For better or worse? HA! Count on the worse, buddy boy.

But in no way are ALL women acting this way just as not ALL men are cheating. (I do have a theory that most of the cheaters are married to the that's-not-worth-enough people, but I could be wrong.)


If I see one more person on the Internet argue that this country was founded as a Christian nation and then use as proof that "God" is in the Pledge of Allegiance, I will pummel someone with a history book. "In God we trust" became the official motto of the country in the 1950s and that is also when God was added to the Pledge (1954). Seriously, why are people so unashamed to reveal their ignorance online? I mean, discuss all the livelong day whether or not you totally love the idea of a "free" country being based on only one religious doctrine, but at least get your damn facts straight.



Just whatever.
It's best to stay away from me today. I have been taking care of a sick seventh-grader for five days.
It is like serving an irrational dictator in a country where middle school lasts FOREVER. That is if dictators cry about getting Sunkist instead of orange Fanta.


You want to mess with me today?

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The Perfect Storm of Insanity

Want to feel like the world is scary-crazy? Visit this Web site and read the comments.

Let's talk about this one from Jane: "John, my husband and I will pray for you and your family. Sounds like Obama may cancel voting day.Interesting how Bloomberg is calling for mandatory evacuations and subways are closed and trains will not run. They will have complete control over hundreds and thousands of people.I pray good Christian people will not make rash decisions in this situation.West coast is experiencing earthquakes,also. America is in judgement and I believe we will soon see Jesus coming for His bride. God bless you and thank you for what you are doing to let us know what is happening. Jane"

Holy crap! Jesus is coming for his bride?! It's like The Bachelor: Bad Boyfriend Jesus Edition up in here. Hope you ladies have your opening lines ready so you can get that first-impression rose.

Can I ask a question?

So God is responsible for the hurricane and it's his judgement on America?

But the result of the hurricane is that "they" (I'm assuming this means the damn liberals in charge?) will have "complete control over hundreds of thousands of people" so that Obama can cancel "voting day."

Do I have this right, Jane?

So, um, God is trying to make what happen exactly?

I'm very confused by this. Much like I am confused that God is always using big, swirly storms to punish people for being gay or accepting homosexuality, but he's never using storms to punish people for being murderers or child molesters or adulterers or gluttons or liars or assholes or ignorant racists.

Nope, just people loving each other. Just people being honest and open about who they are. Yep, that really gets his storm-cloud knickers all in a big twist.

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I Love My Spirit Animal

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Is It Rape? Or Rape-Rape?

I'm wondering if Vegas is now laying down odds on how long a Republican politician can go without talking out of his ass about rape.

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Marie Claire, Why Are You Such a Bitch?

The November issue of Marie Claire arrived in my mailbox yesterday. I make fun of women's magazines a lot because they run the same stupid information over and over again and they keep trying to convince average women of middle income that $450 is reasonable to spend on one knit dress.

It is not. It is ridiculous.

This month, Marie Claire is doing its best to teach you dumb broads out there how to get through the holidays. First, they stress you out by telling you how stressed you are supposed to be.

Then  they tell you how to relieve that stress.

Then they tell you how you're beautiful just the way you are.

Then they tell you how to lose 10 pounds because just the way you are is too fat.

This recent issue has the best advice I've ever seen in any magazine for visiting your hometown and acting like the world's biggest bitch. You might think this comes naturally to some people (and, oh, does it!) but other people need a little tip here or there from the wise editors at Marie Claire.

Let's begin with #1:
Your ex-boyfriend is engaged. OK. Obviously, Marie Claire believes you should feel insecure about this because you are *gasp* single! Oh, the horror! So you are going to bring up that you are attending Harvard Business School to impress a guy who could probably give a crap.

Sure. OK. But, um, sweetie, did you really get into Harvard Business School? Because, if not, this is going to be as cringe-inducing as that time Romy and Michelle told their former classmates that they invented Post-Its.

On to #2:
Your "frenemy" had a baby. Marie Claire thinks you should feel insecure about this because *gasp* your sad, empty womb has not housed a precious human life for 9 months of puking, stretch marks, and heartburn. So Marie Claire's advice to you is to make your frenemy feel fat.

Great idea, Marie Claire. This woman just gave birth and probably hasn't had a full night's sleep since the Republican debates began. (Remember that? Remember when people were actually serious about Herman Cain. Feels like a long time ago.) Instead of congratulating this tired woman, you should talk about your job and how you never eat and this means you're just too damn skinny. (In women's magazine world, too damn skinny is code for YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SKINNY!)

Wow.

Listen, how about you act like someone who isn't a complete bitch and you congratulate this woman and ask how she's doing and coo over her adorable baby? How about that?

#3:
The girl you barely remember has the audacity to "like" things you have posted on a social media site for public consumption! The nerve!

"I'm so busy running two non-profits, I have no time to lurk on Facebook." THIS is what you're supposed to say?

Oh, fuck you.

Unless you actually do run two non-profits, we're right back to Post-It Note fantasyland here. Also, we know you have time for Facebook because that's how you found out all this information about your hometown friends, so shut it.

Side note: People who brag about not posting stuff on Facebook are like people who say they don't like television. Who the fuck doesn't like television? If you don't like television, you're doing it wrong. Turn off  E! and turn on Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Mad Men, Parenthood, Parks & Rec, 30 Rock, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report.

I know you think you sound intelligent and better-than, but you sound like a pretentious douchebag.

How about this? Even if you don't really remember this person, she remembers you and she is interested in your life. That is a lovely compliment, is it not? How about you treat her with kindness and ask her how things have been? How about you express an interest in someone's life other than your own non-profit-on-a-post-it-note-bull- shit factory?

#4:
You run into the "teacher's pet." (I am starting to realize that I might have aged out of Marie Claire's target demographic. I mean, who even remembers who the teacher's pet was. And who cares?)

So, anyway, you run into someone who dared to do her homework and get good grades. You find out she now works for the President of the United States.

Marie Claire suggests that you act like a insecure dick and try to make this person feel bad for being "chained to her desk."

I suggest you do this:

"You work for the President of the United States!!!! Oh my God, that's incredible! What's it like? Is he nice? Have you met Hillary? What's Michelle like in person? Is she awesome? She's awesome! I know she's awesome! Can you introduce me? Do you get to pet the dog? Have you been in the Oval Office? WHERE IS OSAMA BIN LADEN'S BODY?!"

You do this for a solid ten minutes.

You have no reason to feel insecure and to go around trying to make other people feel insecure.

Going home again doesn't have to be stressful and full of bitchy encounters.

Just be a nice person, for your own sake and for the sake of others. Everyone's holiday season will be a lot better.

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Cognitive Dissonance - She Has It

Derp. 

This woman is Janis Lane, president of the Central Mississippi Tea Party. I'm just shaking my head here in complete disbelief over what she told a Jackson publication over the summer: 

"Probably the biggest turn we ever made was when the women got the right to vote. Our country might have been better off if it was still just men voting. There is nothing worse than a bunch of mean, hateful women. They are diabolical in how than can skewer a person. I do not see that in men. The whole time I worked, I'd much rather have a male boss than a female boss. Double-minded, you never can trust them. Because women have the right to vote, I am active, because I want to make sure there is some sanity for women in the political world. It is up to the Christian rednecks and patriots to stand up for our country." -- Read the full interview here. 



(sigh)
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

"Bitches be crazy. I hate women. I'm not hateful like other women. Giving women the vote was insane. I vote to provide some sanity." 

The cognitive dissonance is strong with this one.

I can't seem to craft a proper response using my words, so here's a collection of gifs just for this ridiculous woman. 

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Friday's Random Thoughts - Losers, Sluts, and Jerks Edition

"Americans, like human beings everywhere, believe many things that are obviously untrue. Their most destructive untruth is that it is very easy for any American to make money. They will not acknowledge how in fact hard money is to come by, and, therefore, those who have no money blame and blame and blame themselves. This inward blame has been a treasure for the rich and powerful, who have had to do less for their poor, publicly and privately, than any other ruling class since, say Napoleonic times. Many novelties have come from America. The most startling of these, a thing without precedent, is a mass of undignified poor. They do not love one another because they do not love themselves."
                                                         - Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

First of all, Kurt Vonnegut is wonderful.

I like how you can speak about famous authors in the present tense, even after they have passed away. This is because their words are still with us and that's an amazing thing.

Secondly, I've been thinking about this passage from Slaughterhouse Five for awhile. I've been thinking about this hatred of poor people that is a part of our culture. I've been thinking about how every discussion about politics or social safety nets devolves into nothing more than spitting out pejorative words.

I've been thinking about how you can always count on someone to use the word "loser."

Poor people are losers.
Unemployed people are losers.
Those going through health issues with inadequate or no health insurance? Losers.
Drug addicts? Losers.
The mentally ill? Losers.
People who are depressed? Losers.

On a daily basis, folks seem dead set on proving that we are nothing more than animals. Survival of the richest fittest, you say? OK. Then admit that we are no more special than cows in a field or fish in the sea.

It's fine. We aren't.

We're a bunch of assholes.

Sorry. It's been a rough week.

People who answer their phones are often rude or plain mean. I make 150 calls a day. I could write down the names of the people who are friendly and at the end of the day you would have two names to read.

I try to focus on those two nice people. Last night, a woman said, "Oh, honey, I understand! Of course I'll take your survey." When people say yes, I can't help saying, "Yea!" and they laugh. That's something.


In middle school world this week, there was a "mean girls" incident. The associate principal called me. I won't share too much of it since I want to respect Kate's privacy (except when she says things that are hilarious or deeply touching, of course). I'll just tell you that Kate got very upset last night and cried a bit and then said, "Friends fight, Mom!" She didn't want to tell me what happened because she was worried I would, out of loyalty, instantly hate the friend involved.

She said, "It's fine. It's no big deal."

Kate is my daughter, there's no doubt about that. "No big deal" is a thing around here. "No big deal" allows you to keep going when you know it actually is a big deal and that the deal is, in fact, so big that  it will crush you under its weight if you acknowledge it.

At first Kate didn't want to tell me what had happened. It involved a word that no girl should use to describe another girl, no woman should use against another woman. I've heard of another incident of this word being used recently and it has no place among these girls who spend their time going to the mall and the skating rink and jumping on the trampoline. No one is doing anything even close to the definition of the term.

But sometimes girls are simply mean.

I told Kate she has to be able to tell me these things. I said "I don't want to scare you, but it's only going to get worse. Middle school is hard. High school is hard. It will be easier if you can talk to me about it and tell me what's going on."

Hell. Midlife is hard. And mean girls continue to be mean. Some people get their kicks by leaving out other people. While you sit around and wonder what you did to be left out, they are posting photos online so everyone will be sure to know they weren't invited. Toppers continue to top. ("What? You did something cool? Oh, I did something cooler. Top that.")

If you're lucky, you grow into a person who recognizes the people who are filled up with middle school energy and you can avoid them. I wish this for Kate every day. I hope that she can continue to build her inner strength so that she knows who she is, what she stands for, and what she deserves.

It's easier said than done, whether you are 12 or 20 or 35 or 80 and that bitch Esther left you out of the bridge game at Shady Oaks Retirement Home.

Fuck you, Esther.


So who are these people who deem others losers? They're never very amazing themselves. I mean, Rush Limbaugh certainly talks a good game about how others should behave perfectly (his idea of perfection) and yet he's overweight. He's struggled with drug addiction. He's been married four times. But to society at large, his bank account makes his human fallibility more acceptable than if he was poor and did these things.

Have you ever noticed that as a culture we seem to expect perfection from the poorest among us? We expect them to avoid every human urge. They should not have sex because they cannot afford children. They should not give in to addictions (who cares if addiction is a disease?), because they cannot afford those substances and they can't afford treatment. They should not be fat because how dare you be poor AND fat? You should be thin otherwise you are obviously not poor enough.

Awhile back I read a sanctimonious, misguided blog post from a young woman who worked at Walmart one summer during college. Her post was a conservative diatribe against people who use food stamps or benefits cards to purchase birthday cakes or steak.

Because you losers should not be celebrating birthdays or ever, ever having something to eat other than beans and rice.

I was unemployed in the spring when both my children had birthdays. I made Kate a cake from a box of lemon cake mix we already had in the cabinet. She wasn't happy about it. I should have gotten her a cookie cake like she wanted, but funds were particularly low. Kate had a small slumber party instead of a skate party. I fixed them popcorn and took them to the dollar store, where we bought soda and treats for late-night snacks. I let them take over my bedroom for the night and watch movies on Netflix.

I wish I could have done more. Saying no is difficult and it doesn't matter if you are poor. Having no money doesn't make it easier to resist the temptations of worldly things. It simply makes it more essential.

I don't resist every small treat because I'm making such low wages right now. I don't get manicures or pedicures anymore, but I do treat myself to a skinny vanilla latte on Fridays so I can fuel my Friday blog post. I'm certain that spending that $4 proves what a loser I am. I should put that $4 in a retirement fund or toward my never-ending student loan. I would do that if I was behaving as perfectly as my income range says I should be to prove my worthiness.

The whole thing makes me angry because I don't want to hate myself and I struggle with that. Sometimes I do hate myself because my children don't have college funds, because I can't afford to put Kate in tumbling or cheerleading. My situation dictates their lives.

I also don't, generally, feel like someone who isn't incredibly lucky. I am. I am richer than 99 percent of the world. I have a lovely house full of things that mean something to me. None of it is worth very much money, but it's special nonetheless. Give me a house full of books and comfortable pajama pants and I'm good.

But I live with kids who are making their way up and down the halls of middle and high schools. They are having to find their way in a world that says you should have these jeans and these shoes and this backpack. I am walking the tightrope of wanting to give them all the things that make walking those halls easier and wanting to teach them that they are - in absolutely every way - stronger, better, and more valuable than the fools who buy into that game.

But...

I wanted Kate to be able to buy a new shirt for picture day so last weekend I gave her money that I probably should have saved. I want to take Jacob to see Argo when it comes out and I know that I should probably wait for it to come out on DVD instead.

I do not want to beat myself up for the choices I have made that have led me here. I don't want to call myself names like a mean girl in middle school.

I remember when I was Kate's age, I went to a church lock-in. A "prep" in a plaid shirt called a group of people I was with "scumbags." I remember thinking how mean it was and how the only difference between the two groups is that one group had parents with money and the other group didn't. One group had Guess jeans and Outback Red shirts. The other group had off-brand shoes that weren't Keds. Period.

That kid in the khaki pants and plaid shirt probably grew up to live in the same city in which he was raised, driving an SUV into the right neighborhood in the right part of town (deemed right by the snobs of the city), posting Facebook status updates about how he works so other people can sit on their asses. All the while thinking himself so very special for being who he is when he is actually only living exactly the life into which he was born.

But, hey, all you poor folks should really pull yourselves up by your boot straps and escape your situation. Losers.

Incidentally, let me just say that I do not actually believe in the devil or hell but, if I did, I could make a pretty good case for the idea that hell is a church lock-in and the devil is a preppy boy in khaki pants and a plaid shirt.

I'm not saying people shouldn't try their best to save money, work hard, and resist temptations. I'm simply saying that perhaps we could all try to respond less like asshole animals in the wild and more like human beings.

Stop using the world "loser" to describe people you know nothing about.

Try a little compassion.

Try a little understanding.

And if you're poor or failing at something or struggling with a difficult situation, try to offer those things to yourself, too.

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Bad Boyfriend Monday

Oh, hello, Monday. Here you are again. You just keep showing up, don't you?

Have I not made myself clear? I don't like you anymore.



I had such a lovely weekend without you.

And now you have the nerve to come around again.

(sigh)

Ugh. Go away. Nobody likes you.

I think our relationship has grown rather toxic the past few weeks. In fact, when I know you're coming over, I begin to feel a slow-building dread the evening before.

It's not enough to make the start of the work week rough, you have to mess with my relationship with Sunday, too?



#

I am trying to be Zen about things. I am trying to see Monday as an opportunity to begin again.

Put on your workout clothes. Do an hour of yoga. Breathe in and out. Get out of your ego.

Put vegetables and a roast in the crock pot. Be grateful you have food to put in the crock pot.

Go to work and try not to count the hours until it's time to leave. Don't think about how it's so boring you want to cry.

Don't waste your off-hours dreading your on-hours.

Don't wish time away. Life goes by quickly enough on its own.

Live in the moment. Appreciate what you have.

Concentrate on the things you are meant to do and this will help you get through the moments of doing what you have to do.

Don't hate Monday. Monday doesn't mean to be a bad boyfriend who doesn't know when to leave well enough alone.

Accept Monday for what it is.

You can't change men and you can't change Monday.

Breathe in, breathe out.

If that doesn't work, remember this: It's only four days until Friday.

And everyone knows Friday is the George Clooney of weekdays.

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Friday's Random Thoughts - 75 Thinks I've Thunk

If my blog gets 443 page views today, it will reach an all-time total of 75,000 page views. I have no idea what that means. But, whatever it means, I thought that in honor of that number I'd create  a list of 75 random things I've thought about or discovered over the course of this week or this month or my life.

1. More than 2,500 hits to the blog have been by people looking for a photo of a "sad cat." Seventy-nine people have been looking for "cat sad." And 98 people who need more itty-bitty, cuddly-wuddly cute with their angst, have arrived looking for "sad kitten."

2. Only 54 people have arrived after searching the term "clooney."

3. Ryan Gosling wearing glasses has attracted 123 people. To my blog. In real life, Ryan Gosling wearing glasses has attracted 1,230,000,000 people.

4. The most visits come from people in the United States, the UK, Australia, Germany, and Canada. When I see a visit from a foreign country, I automatically assume it's from the one person I know in that country. I'm ridiculous.

5. I'm trying to adopt a new persona: the starving artist who is too cool to sell out to the man.

6. It's not working. I want a retirement fund and a swimming pool and a vacation in Bora Bora.

7. When I indulge my starving artist fantasies, I think about starting a commune on a big piece of land somewhere. We will have chickens and a garden and all our trailers will form a big circle. In the middle of the circle, we will have a swimming pool. It'll be like Melrose Place without any bitches.

8. A friend pointed out that attempting to form a counter-culture commune never ends well. He's right. Eventually, someone in your tiny utopia cuts their foot and gets an infection and dies.

9. This morning, Jacob came in and said, "I had a dream last night that I was in the bathroom and Uncle Tim pushed the door open and said, 'Hey, wanna see a magic trick?' and then Uncle Tim squatted slightly and took a crap on the hallway floor!

Then I woke up! It was like a nightmare!"

10. I have never laughed so hard at 6:30 in the morning in my life.

11. I know my daughter loves me blindly because this morning, as I was lazing around in bed while she got ready for school, she came over and said, "You look so pretty."

12. I'm pretty sure I look kind of like this in the morning.

13. Kate often repeats things she's said because she thinks they're really interesting or funny. And I'll say, "I heard you the first time, PeteandRepeat."

14. I realize she gets this tendency from me. I often repeat things for emphasis.

15. I often repeat things for emphasis.

16. Bill O'Reilly is a horrible person.

17. Bill O'Reilly is a horrible person.

18. James Frey is a douchebag. If I come across A Million Little Pieces in the biography section of a bookstore, I will move it to fiction. Every single time.

19. Have you ever followed someone's social media persona and thought that, even if they're nice enough in real life, online they seem like a spoiled, suburban nightmare?

20. BFF Tina has been sending me tweets that illustrate this point perfectly. In fact, I'm thinking if the person who runs that Twitter account changed the name to Spoiled Suburban Nightmare, she'd probably get 200,000 followers and a book deal.

21. Dear Asshats of Hobby Lobby: Emergency contraception is not the same as an abortion.

22. I am exhausted by people who do not get that emergency contraception works the same as regular birth control. I am sick of acting like these people aren't complete idiots. They are too stupid to even know how stupid they are. They are too stupid to even be embarrassed by their stupidity.


23. Did you know that Mod Podge is basically just watered-down Elmer's glue? You can make it at home for $2 instead of throwing down $8 on the constantly-unmanned counters at Hobby Lobby. Just mix half Elmer's and half water in a jar. Shake it. Boom. Done. Suck it, Hobby Lobby.

24. I'm currently reading The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. It is set in the near future in a monotheocracy called the Republic of Gilead. It used to be America. The regime in power takes Genesis at its word and goes beyond the intolerance of the Puritans. If you think it's a good idea to let religious dogma dictate people's reproductive rights, you should read it. If you still think it's a good idea, please fuck off.

25. "Testifying is special...It's Janine, telling about how she was gang-raped at fourteen and had an abortion. She told the same story last week...

But whose fault was it? Aunt Helena says, holding up one plump finger.

Her fault, her fault, her fault, we chant in unison.
Who led them on? Aunt Helena beams, pleased with us.
She did. She did. She did.
Why did God allow such a terrible thing to happen?
Teach her a lesson. Teach her a lesson. Teach her a lesson.

Last week, Janine burst into tears."

- The Handmaid's Tale, published in 1986.

26. The near future is now.

27. Don't believe me? Read this blog post: Embryo Adoption: This Is Really a Thing That Is Happening (Here's the source article from Huffington Post.)

28. I'm wondering why all business owners don't just say they're Christian Scientists, so they can offer insurance plans that don't cover anything at all.

29. I wonder if people who think their religious beliefs should be used to make laws would like to live based on what the Amish believe?

30. Maybe the world would improve if some of these fuckers looked up from their iPhones and built a barn or two.

31. What if the pull of good versus evil that people think they feel is really just the universe's indifference to their existence?

32. Tim Minchin is fantastic. This song has a lot of curse words and no lenience for the Pope, so if you're easily offended...Is this your first time here? Welcome. I hope you'll stick around.

33. Mitt Romney might be a robot. I don't want to see his birth certificate. I want to see the warranty.

34. Watching Mitt Romney talk to the veteran in this video is rather painful because it's hard to watch a robot try to connect with a real, live human being. Hey, Mitt, you going to France to "serve your church" is not even close to comparable with this man serving his country in Vietnam.

35. "We're the same age," Mitt says. Looking at these two men side by side is an excellent example of the Jack Donaghey dictum: "Rich 50 is middle class 38."

36. Mitt says when the constitution was written, marriage was between a man and a woman. Other things that were true when the constitution was written: A black man was considered 3/5 of a person (for population counts). Women did not have equal rights. Joseph Smith hadn't yet made up Mormonism.

37. Earlier this week, I finished reading God is not Great: Religion Poisons Everything by Christopher Hitchens. It's a fascinating read.

38. It occurred to me while reading it that anyone who reads it would think that every religion sounds ridiculous. Except for their own, of course.

39. Did you know that Mormons believed that the slaves were descendants of a third group in heaven who tried to stay neutral during the battle between God and Lucifer? Hitchens writes: "They had been forced into the world, compelled 'to take bodies in the accursed lineage of Canaan; and hence the negro or African race.'"

40. Are you fucking kidding me?

41. In 1965, around the time of the passage of the Civil Rights Act, the Mormons "had it divinely disclosed to them that black people were human after all."

42. Well, that's a relief. So either their God was a complete dick who didn't realize black people were human until 1965 or he just chose not to tell his Mormon followers until 1965.

43. I have no problem asking questions and thinking about the world beyond the borders with which society would like to surround us.

44. If you read a book like God is not Great in Starbucks, you will attract the attention of someone who also likes to question things. You will have an hour-long conversation about a hundred different things.

45. The person will introduce you to this video of Louis C.K. that you hadn't seen yet.

46. The person will tell you that you should move the hell out of Alabama.

47. Stuff like this makes me laugh.

48.  Yesterday, there was a lot of talk about Google being able to calculate the Bacon Number of other famous folks. You knew I'd look up this person's number, right?

Here's a picture of George Clooney and bacon

46. Men have radar. The second you go out one time with a new one, an old one will - out of the blue - call or send you an email. What should we call this? The Asshat Alarm? The Douchebag Signal? It lights up the night sky warning the guy that he is being evicted from your head space.

47. BFF Tina's best advice to me is: Do NOT let people live in your head rent-free.

48. Look at this house. It's crazy awesome. It reminds me of when the Ingalls family in the Little House on the Prairie books built a house into the side of a hill. Unlike these folks in Switzerland, the Ingalls had dirt floors.  Go here to see more.

49. Good grief, do I even have 75 thoughts?

50. I'm sitting at Starbucks treating myself to a latte. It takes me a half-hour of work to pay for a latte.

51. "I'm questioning my life choices" is my latest punchline.

52. My old punchline was "I'm thinking about burning my house down and moving to an island."

53. Punchline is the wrong word. It's more like "desperate cry for help."

54. I make about 100 phone calls a day. I have found that people are generally very nice. I've only encountered one person who, upon hearing my rather benign questions, must have thought I was attempting to extract national secrets from her. She quickly hung up on me so she could readjust her tinfoil hat.

55. The headset makes my ears hurt.

/sad trombone

56. I've been thinking a lot this week about Charles. I miss my friend.

57. I've been thinking about the day he died. I know this is because a friend of friends committed suicide and a few people have reached out to me. This makes me feel really good, like I'm helping to change the accepted opinions on suicide, like I am fighting the taboo nature of the topic.

58. But I know that people are looking for someone to blame. I worry about the spouse, this person I don't know at all. I worry about the people who were the last to see this woman before she died.

59. I have worked long and hard to change my thinking about things, but I cannot help falling back into this thought, "What if I'd said something different? What if I'd said, "Let's go inside and talk about this. Please put down the gun."

60. I forgive myself anew.

61. "You can wet the rim of a glass and run your finger around the rim and it will make a sound. This is what I feel like: this sound of glass. I feel like the word shatter." - The Handmaid's Tale, page 103

62. I love when I come across a phrase or a passage in a book that makes me dog-ear the page, that makes me think, "I must come back to this later."

63. As awful as the subject of suicide is, this cartoon made me cackle.

62. I may be fucked in the head, but it's in a most delightful way.

63. I love Flight of the Conchords.


64. I love this dog.

65. When I was a child, I had this weird belief that if we took out the back seat of my mom's red Cutlass, that we would find a huge stash of new toys underneath.

66. When I was a child, the thing I learned from Encyclopedia Brown books is that paramedics always load stretchers head-first. The patient's feet are closest to the back doors.

67. My reaction to topless photos of Kate Middleton: Meh. People really need to calm down about topless photos. Men are topless all the time. Men with way bigger boobs than Kate Middleton are topless all the time.

68. Put a shirt on, dude.

69. My new co-workers already think I'm obsessed with George Clooney. Shocking, right?

70. It didn't help that when one of them said he once suffered from Bell's Palsy, I said, "Oh! George Clooney had that."

71. Gawker has a post with this headline: Facebook Ad Touting Dr Pepper as the "Evolution of Flavor" 'Sparks Boycott Calls from Creationists.

72. Chick-fil-A serves Dr. Pepper.

73. Sign of the apocalypse? Uh oh. Shit's about to get real.

74. In our family, whenever a picture is being taken, someone inevitably does bunny ears. So I sent my mom this comic:

75. I think I'm finally done.

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