Friday's Random Thoughts by Nicholas Sparks

(Updated to remove dumb thing about Fox News)

Inspired by Valentine's Day and all the phony baloney romance of the week, today's thoughts are brought to you based on Nicholas Sparks' successful formula of cliche, predictability, and hot bods in bikinis.

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #1: Oceanside scenery/bikinis

This week, some of the perfect people of the Internet called Kate Upton fat.

Kate Upton is the model on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. The fact that people still talk about this annual magazine when the Internet offers a bevy of half-naked and naked women for ogling everyday is surprising.

This is what Kate Upton looks like in a bikini.

 Yes, it's like a bloat of hippopotami up in here.

What is wrong with people?

Obviously I'm not a man, but if I had the choice of snuggling up against this woman and being in bed with some no-flesh-having bag of hangers, I'd take Kate Upton.

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #2: Romantic stargazing

Forget stars! The sky is falling in Russia! Holy meteorite!

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #3: Someone dies.

This week's worst death was that of Marco Rubio while giving the Republican response to the SOTU. It was so painful that I couldn't even feel the schadenfreude. And I love to feel the schadenfreude!

The secondhand embarrassment made me cringe. The subsequent edit of all his dry mouth sounds into one long clip makes me want to cry.

I'm starting to wonder if the purpose of the Republican response to the SOTU is to kill someone's political momentum (i.e. Bobby Jindal).

I don't always respond to the SOTU,
but when I do I stay thirsty, my friends. 

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #4: Fornication of some kind (usually up against a wall or tree)

I read yet another story about the Boy Scouts this week and, while the Boy Scouts might change their stance on allowing "known or avowed homosexuals" in their organization, they probably will not be doing the same for agnostics or atheists.

If you're someone who lies about what you believe or what you question, you're still welcome!

Also, felony convictions are not an automatic bar to employment.

Fuck the Boy Scouts.
Again.

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #5: Some watered down/vanilla spirituality that doesn't actually stop the characters from doing whatever they want to do.

So, here's something that exists somewhere:

How much can you lift, bro?

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #6: Someone ends up with his/her soul mate.

Kate and Jacob finally got iPhones yesterday. I believe it's true love. They can't take their eyes off them.

Am I going to regret this?

Happy Friday, my friends! Stay thirsty!

Related links:
What Kind of Person Thinks Kate Upton is Fat?
A blog post from last year written by a crazy, mean person

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For Gretchen

Love will rain down on you this year. Because I say so.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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My Favorite Holiday

No. Not really.

by Christopher Davis

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

I've pulled together this gif dance party for all the lonely hearts. Simply click play and scroll down...

Don't let anyone tell you that dancing on your own isn't awesome.

Happy Valentine's Day!

In other news, this is my 500th post. If I had a dollar for every post I've written...well, I'd have $500.

Can one of you loan give me $500?

Thanks for reading!

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My Favorite Sweethearts

Carlene and Wes Bickers

There are a lot of things in which I do not believe. There are many things about which I am probably a bit too cynical. 

True love, however, is not one of those things. 

I believe in it. Absolutely and completely. 

And, it's important to note, I do not believe in true love as something that exists in a trouble-free bubble, a place where nothing ever goes wrong, where arguments never happen, where only blissful happiness exists. 

I know that this kind of love is about loving someone truly and deeply through times that are wonderful and times that are difficult. This is what my grandparents did. Even when life was not simple or easy, they loved one another. They loved their children. They loved their grandchildren and their great-grandchildren. For six decades, they remained true to that. They were kind to one another and they were kind to us. 

They gave us so much love that it lives on in all of us to this day. 

They began as sweethearts in the 1940s, two people younger than my own son is today. On their 50th wedding anniversary, they told a story about one of their first dates. At the end of the evening, my granddad had just enough money for their bus fare back home or a bag of peanuts they could share on the long walk home. My grandma said, "Let's get the peanuts." 

They were sweethearts even after my grandma's death in 2008, until the day my granddad passed away in 2010. 

For all of us who love them and miss them so, they are sweethearts still.

Maybe I think Valentine's Day is silly and commercialized, a marketing strategy for jewelry stores and florists and Hallmark. 

But do I believe in love? 

You're damn right I do. 

For more, go here:
The Luckiest: A Love Story

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My Favorite Valentine

Since Valentine's Day is Thursday, I thought I'd share my favorite Valentine of all time. I've saved it in a little box for years. I think it probably deserves to be framed.

(front)

(back)

Read the story behind the Valentine:
The Todd Childs Post (Happiness Challenge Day 3) 

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Half-Assed Live Blogging of The Bachelor

Quick recap of last week's episode: "I knew you six were the six for me."

The bachelor and the six contestants are on a plane to St. Croix.

It does not crash.

Tierra is wearing a sideways cross necklace. I'm not an expert, but I think that's a sign she's the devil.

Ashley is 32 years old and, according to Tierra, Ashley is an old maid.

"Why hasn't she found someone she can settle down with? She's, like, 32 years old!"

OMG.

I wonder how many cats Ashley has.


The bachelor is talking about how he's seen another side of Ashley, her vulnerability and her strength, while the camera pans down her body while she strips off her shorts and shirt to reveal her bathing suit.

Say what you will about how this show is truly ridiculous, but the editing is hilarious and, I have no doubt, purposely done.

It's like when you see a headline in a newspaper that has a dirty meaning and everyone at the paper pretends like it was unintentional? Please. It totally happened on purpose.

My friend the late Tim Greening once wrote a column about possible new names for the baseball team in Shreveport, the Shreveport Captains. The column went through our editor with no problem. By that afternoon, Tim felt completely guilty. He messaged me several times. "I need to tell them to take that name out." Of course, I said, "What? Are you kidding? It's already to the copy desk. Let's just see how far it goes."

Clearly, Tim was a better person than I. He went to the copy desk and sheepishly asked them to remove the possibly offensive name.

It was the Shreveport Spank Monkeys.

OK, back to The Bachelor.

They're having a date on the beach. I love how much they emphasize Ashley trusting Sean and how important this is. Um, he's dating five other women and he's going to dump five people along the way to a totally phony engagement.

I TRUST there's going to be some douchebaggery up in here.

Now Ashley has a big secret to tell him.

She's a man.

It's going to be make-or-break, she says.

The build-up is making me think she went to jail.

Fifteen years ago...build-up....build-up...build-up...

She killed her mom.

Nope. She married the high school boyfriend at 17.

She was a married high school junior (divorced by senior year).

Meh.

It's been 15 years.

Who wants to be judged based on crap they did in high school?


Stuff I did in high school:

Snuck out of the house twice.

Drank a lot.

I mean, a lot a lot. It was Louisiana.

Cried over my dumb high school boyfriend a lot.

I mean, a lot a lot.

Did as little homework as possible.

Had a huge party when my mom was out of town for the Rolling Stones concert in Dallas.

Stole Christmas decorations from someone's front yard. I will not name the names of the other people who were with me. See you guys in hell!


Oh dear Lord, this girl just said she loves Sean.

They've been on one date. Maybe two. I'm not very good at keeping up with this stuff.


It's time for the first one-on-one date with Tierra, who is clearly insane.

Here's a little tip for you guys out there: If a woman doesn't get along with other women, she's probably a bitch. No, other women don't dislike her because she's so beautiful. Please. I have a lot of friends and they are all beautiful. Women don't like to hang out with women who are egotistical pains in the arse. Simple as that. And don't act all surprised if you marry this woman who has no female friends and you discover you're married to a bitch.

I like Tierra's turquoise necklace.

Sean should put on more sunscreen.

I am bored out of my mind already.

Can we retire "journey?"

Not the band.

The word.

Every reality show uses that word nonstop. "Your journey ends tonight." "I hope our journey continues."

This is the only Journey I want to hear:

Back from commercial break:
Sean is sneaking into the women's room and taking photos of them first waking up.

Now it's time for a group date.

They're all in a jeep together taking a road trip.

The jeep doesn't crash.


There are three women on this "date" with Sean. I just don't get it. It's such a weird thing. I can't imagine being one of these women trying to get the attention of this man. It seems incredibly humiliating in every possible way.

Ooh, speaking of not dating douchebags - yes, that's what we were discussing - I did the best thing awhile back. I made a very conscious decision not to date someone I shouldn't date. Hell, even Kate had said, "Please tell me you're not going to date _____ again." Seventh-graders recognize when someone isn't the right guy. I realized that whenever he was around, my stomach hurt. Like twisted-into-knots, your-body-is-trying-to-tell-you-something hurt.

So I said, "I'm not going to be seeing you. I wish you all the best. It's not you, it's me," etc.

And I sang this song:

These girls look good in bikinis. Can you imagine the stress of having to be on television in your bathing suit? No thank you.


Now there's some making out.

Sloppy tenths.


OK, next girl. Catherine. Yes, I'm trying to listen to their names now that there are only six of them.

"I can tell she wants to tell me something," Sean says.

Good grief, does everyone have a sad story to tell this man? Apparently so.

Oh crap, her dad had a suicide attempt in front of her and her sisters.

Geez. He went away. They don't really see him.

Dammit.

It reminds me of when Kate said that a lot of her friends don't know her dad is dead. It has to be this story that gets told to new people. I seriously hate that for both my children.

You're bringing me down, The Bachelor.

I don't watch this for serious shit. I watch this to make fun of you.

Oh God, now another girl is crying. I bet Sean is worn out by the end of the day with all the crying and confessions.

That's why I have a blog. Just read that and get the serious stuff. Because there's no crying on dates, dammit. Drinking. Making out. No fucking crying.


OK, and we're back. A one-on-one date with some fruit picking.

There better not be any damn crying.

This girl is "totally falling in love with Sean." Sorry, I didn't listen to her name. I was distracted by an article on Buzzfeed about the pope.

Hey, speaking of crazy religious stuff, I defy you to watch this and not say DAFUQ did I just watch?

OK, Sean's sister is visiting. He can't wait to tell her about all his feelings for these women.

Feelings.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I don't think he really likes any of these women.


I just realized that Ashley's name is AshLee. No. Parents of the world, please stop doing this crap to your children.

Anyway, Tierra and AshLee are having an argument. Drama queens.

"Girls are jealous. Men love me," Tierra says.

UGH.

Only awful women say that kind of stuff.

Tierra: "That's my face. I can't help it." Out of context, in context, doesn't matter. Hilarious.

"My parents said 'Tierra, you have a sparkle. Don't let those girls take your sparkle away.'"

It's time for my favorite gif, you guys.


Sean's sister wants to meet Tierra.

Oh good Lord, she's in her room crying. DRAMA.

Do guys like that stuff? I'd be so annoyed with the constant drama.

Save the drama for your llama.



We're back from commercial and Tierra is STILL crying! Sean says he's crazy about her and the keyword here is CRAZY.

Wait. He's sending her home. He DOES have a brain in his head! I'm impressed.

He's sending her home because he can see how emotionally hard this is for her. I think Tierra's attention-seeking plan backfired.

Those women stole Tierra's sparkle!

Sean is telling the women that he sent Tierra home after a "moment of clarity."

I don't know how these women are keeping themselves from cheering and laughing.

There won't be a cocktail party.

What? How will they get the women sufficiently drunk so that they'll cry in the limo after they get kicked off?

Has anyone else thought about the fact that the host Chris Harrison does about five minutes of work for each two-hour episode of The Bachelor? I wonder how much he gets paid.

Never mind. It will depress me to find out.

I think AshLee just got a pity rose.

Thank goodness it's over.

Next week: The hometown dates full of awkward conversations with parents and siblings who are pretending they're totally cool with their daughters/sisters being on a reality dating show.

See you then!

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I Mustache You a Question

Did you know I'm related to royalty?

That's right.

My cousin Richard is the photobombing king. He's perfected his pose. He's honed his strategy. He's always in the right place - or would that be the wrong place - at the right time.

I am in awe of his skills.

Now he's taken photobombing to the next level. He is popping up in the back of people's photos and he doesn't even have to be in the building.

An oversized photograph of Richard's impressive mustache hangs on the walls of the recently opened 'Stache House Bar & Lounge in Charlotte, N.C.

Next time you're in Charlotte, stop by the 'Stache House and get photobombed by the best.

Get Bombed 
'Stache House
1529 South Boulevard Suite 120
Charlotte, NC 28203
Open daily from 4 pm to 2 am
Click here to like 'Stache House on Facebook

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